Wake Up Calls

A woman I knew once told me that she finally had a hard talk with herself about her weight. She was driving home from work, and having survived a trying day, she was going to "treat" herself to a McDonald's meal. She pulled into the parking lot, and then told herself, "You will always be fat if you don't stop this." And she left the parking lot, and said that was her epiphany, her wake up call. Man, that's an awkward conversation to have! To say this to myself makes me want to throw up. It is too painful, too honest, too raw to face. I avoid calling myself the f word to an extreme degree. Overweight, not skinny, heavy - these are the acceptable terms. Fat is mean, in my mind. And I've always avoided thinking that about myself. You can see that this works much in the same way as turning up your radio in the car, so you won't hear the noise under the hood. Very effective. This is also why I have never, ever, not even once watched an episode of The Biggest Loser. I hear it is inspirational and amazing, and would probably make me cry every time I watched. (They even had auditions here in Seattle, and a friend suggested I go - not in a mean way, but in a you would lose weight and be on TV! way) I think I avoided watching it because with all that inspiration would be a heavy dose of envy as well, it would serve as a reminder of my past failures.

And 51 pounds ago, I was so comfortable with my body. I accepted it, I felt that this was my destiny. I would fantasize about being thinner - but the point from A to B was always blank. I didn't know how to get there, let alone did I want to admit that I was the one who had gotten myself here. I thought that someday I would magically emerge at a healthy weight. Until then, I'll just let the airline and movie theater seats be uncomfortable. I'll huff and puff up the hills, and stay in my cocoon of a home where I am loved and feel safe. And eat my way over 300 pounds. So to realize this week that essentially, I have had that tough "You'll Always Be" talk with myself, is a good feeling. Even though I couldn't think that way, it just came in the form of committing to exercise 4 days a week, and by eating more healthfully. I was lucky to have a friend who wanted to exercise with me. And then I found Mel, and the rest is history. I deserve to be healthy, I am in control of being healthy, and I will eventually be the girl who walks with more confidence and shops in the "regular"section of the store!! This is it - the last time I'm going to do this.