When left to my own devices, I will watch 3 episodes of What Not to Wear back to back, do lots of internet research projects, and catch up on all my blog reading. Inbetween this flurry of activity, I also will constantly wander back into the kitchen looking for something to eat. I can hear Diana's "voice" saying "It's not in there!" yet, I continue to look. All of this is thanks to a viscious cold. My husband has been sick for a week, with a racking cough and wheezy chest. I washed my hands, took my vitamins, exercised, slept and tried to only kiss him on the cheek. (Okay, I failed at that last one. ) Alas, my efforts were not enough, and the cold has claimed another victim. I'm home from work today.

I woke up with an appetite today. I'm avoiding dairy (dairy makes mucus, I think) and would give my kingdom for a cup of coffee with half and half! I'm focusing on tea, broth and fruit. But I am craving bread and beef like crazy. So I'll admit that I've just sent my house-boy husband out to fetch me a beef treat. It may be in the form of a hamburger. I may eat the whole thing without feeling guilty. I may not want to be honest with you, my blogging friends, but I must. In my web surfing, I read PastaQueen's recent post on binge eating. I love her honesty and her don't pity me attitude, which is how I am feeling now. I want something, so I'm going to eat it without feeling badly about it, and getting back on track after. Promise. It is also further evidence that just because you reach your goal weight does not mean you'll stop being addicted to foods. Damn! Ah well, today I'm letting the hamburger win. Tomorrow, I won't.


HYC Check in

Note to self. Do not go out to dinner and have red wine the night before weigh in. You will weigh 3 pounds higher this morning. So I am going to employ some selective weighing as I am wont to do. Before I went to dinner, I was at 228.8, which is a wee little .6 pound loss from last week. I think all that brie is catching up with me, so I am happy to see that little loss.

This is the distinct advantage of weighing myself every day. I have gotten to a point where I can distinguish between a true gain, and retaining water. Also, I am not sent into a tail spin of self doubt, self-flagellation, and a pint of ice cream when I see the number go up a little bit.

This week I gleefully, determinedly and with sweat coming out of every pore, made it to all of my exercise sessions! Wahoo! Even when work out buddy had a conflict and couldn’t meet me Saturday morning, I went by myself. And I returned to Pilates class this week. I have the biggest chip on my shoulder about that class. I want to be good at it even though I am the biggest girl there. It is only once a week, but it is such a workout, I was sore for 2 days. In a good way.

This week I did not journal my food. I have got to get back to this. I am still planning my meals, and getting in my fibrous fruits and veggies, but there have been snacks and like last evening, I had wine and didn’t write it down. I think that only when I am physically noting it can I truly be aware of what I’m eating. So there’s my goal for this week – journal my food intake. I think I’ll start this morning.


Oooh! I've got a good one!

I have a friend at work who is about the same age as my Mom. I love talking with her, especially since it is so different than chatting with my Mom, but I still get that wise woman factor. And from her, I've just gotten my new favorite mantra/advice/philosophy/bumper sticker. She told me a story about her friend who said "Your priority is whatever you are doing right now." This struck a chord with me, because it is so darn true! Every time I get frustrated, or I feel like eating more than I should, or I don't want to exercise, the reality of the moment is that there is strength and time and love for anything I want there to be. We all have the power to try something new, to take different actions to bring the results we need.

My friend usually pulls this out to chastise herself when she is bemoaning her stagnant love life, or gets frustrated by her job. Wishing I would lose weight never worked, because it wasn't my priority. Now that I treat my body better, I actually see results. No more wishing and hoping for change - if I'm not working on it, it must not be my priority. So, food for thought- what's your priority?


HYC Check in

After a super indulgent weekend with 4 of my best friends, and battling TOM, I am thrilled to weigh in at 229.4 today. I only missed one workout this week due to conflict – so slowly I’m getting back to normal.

Did you know that when you’re shopping for your first annual “Christmas in February” weekend getaway, and you bring to the cashier 3 bars of Cadbury chocolate, 1 box of shortbread and a box of tampons, the cashier will remark “Are you having a sweet craving?”. Said cashier will also not believe you when you tell her it is to share amongst 5 women for 3 days. When you put 5 women in a beach house for the weekend, they will consume 3.5 loaves of artisan bread, 1.5 pounds of cheese, and 6 ounces of chocolate, laugh and talk until they are hoarse, walk on the beach, make meals together and celebrate their hunt for agates. We’ve never gone away for the weekend together before, but I insisted this year that we each take 2.5 days where we can just be by ourselves sans significant others, kids and obligations. It was glorious!

Now I’m back to reality – I’ve swapped my brie for oatmeal, fruit for chocolate. A weekend of indulgences is just what the doctor ordered, in my book. The difference between the old Sara and the new Sara is that now I know how to get back to plan, rather than just saying okay, eat better now, I know which foods and behaviors my body needs to save me from cheese retribution, and that feels so good to know. I feel in control and powerful. Raar!


Happy Palentine's Day!

Oh Valentine's Day. The hype, the horror, the fun. Hearts are my favorite symbol. Ever. When I was a little girl I figured out how to write the capital B of my last name, so that it looked like a heart tilted to the right. Posters of hearts adorned my walls, I drew them everywhere - I have about 735,000 pendants in that shape - and they get worn on a regular basis. I am a giant walking heart! Naturally, Valentine's day has always felt like my holiday. And I would be disappointed each year when I didn't have a valentine. Dumb.

And then I met Mr. Black. Romantic to the core, he actually asked me to be his valentine (we'd been dating since January), and burned me a CD complete with an illustrated sleeve, and published a valentine for me in the local newspaper. And of course, everything was given to me when I woke up, in a gesture so touching, as I drove to work listening to my mix tape of love songs chosen for me, I bawled. It was terrifying to receive sincere kindness and affection in a gigantic wave like that. I think after dating losers who didn't make me feel like the prettiest and best gal in the room, it was hard for me to accept that I deserved to be spoiled. The big girl in me was crying out to be loved, and when it happened, it was overwhelming.

As our relationship has continued, we have both resisted the big Hallmark sell. We don't buy flowers because what a waste of money this time of year! I get red roses for other reasons. And we don't have fancy and expensive romantic dinners- because I'd rather do that just because. We make each other a card, and do something we both enjoy. Usually we go to see a comedy show, but this year, we're going to see my new favorite gay boyfriend, Mika. And festive attire is requested. What the hell does that mean? We are going to be the oldest and straightest people there, and I won't care because "Big Girl (you are beautiful)" is the best work out and sing a long song I have heard in a long time. I'm going to shake my 230 pound butt like crazy and sing out loud and thank my lucky stars that I have Mr. Black to love. Not just today, but for always.


Leap of Faith

Oh me oh my, my hubby's decided to fly! (the Amazon.com coop, that is) He quit his job. This was terrifying to me. Visions of eating lentils and water just to ensure we can pay the mortgage and other bills closed around my lungs and made it difficult to breathe. Also there was that nasty woman Miss Communication (get it? Miscommunication!) who got in the middle and made me feel disregarded, while he felt rejected and trapped. Turns out that my husband and I are walking cliches. After spending 5.5 years together, you think I would be able to read between his lines. "I had a really bad day and there are no other positions available, and we have savings, so how do you feel?" means "I hate it there, I need to quit now. And I need your blessing." And none of this came out of the blue - it has been building for weeks. And he's been trying to hang on, hang in and lay low, but he couldn't take it anymore, despite his love of working at Amazon.

I wanted him to give more notice than he did, but in the end, all that would have meant were 2 more paychecks, a really miserable husband, and possible resentment ball building between the two of us. I prattled on to work out buddy and fabulous listener, Katie, and then rambled some more to my dear brother. He made an interesting point. He said that it means hubby is being proactive, believes in his talent and that he deserves something better out there. Doh! Why didn't I see that? My practical nature took over.

I feel 1,000 times better today than I did yesterday, and I am reminding myself that eating ain't gonna make him get hired somewhere any faster. Right? Right!

Also, thank goodness for his sense of humor - this morning we had this exchange.

Hubby: "I'll take you to work today since you have all that potluck stuff."

Me: "Really? Great!"

Hubby: "Yeah, Rick's opens at 8:30, and they have a breakfast buffet." (Rick's is a stripclub)

Hilarious! (And my husband doesn't go to strip clubs, so double the funny.)


HYC Tuesday Check in

Hello there! I am still here, still stressed, still not blogging. Whine, whine, whine, I know. I knew my weight would catch up with me eventually. And so this morning, I'm at 230 even. That still is a 60 pound loss, so nothing to sneeze at. But, it is a gain from last week. I know that the stress, missed workouts, and PMS cravings (hello, french fries!) all contributed to this.

One thing to cheer about for the past week, I got my act together and got up at 6 am to work out, last Wednesday. That's not easy for my sleepy time Barbie nature, so a definite NSV. Other than that, I don't have too much to report. I'm not going to get down on myself - I'm still planning my meals, and that things will get back to normal soon. Going to the gym tonight!

I really appreciated all the kind words on my last check in. I seriously considered not posting and therefore via omission, not facing my binge. But I am reminded by Mel and her Diet Naked philosophy that only by being honest and accountable, can we really succeed. So thank you for being a safe haven to admit that to, my lovely blogging friends. I'll buy you a tossed salad with low-fat vinagrette anytime we get together!


HYC Update

It has been another rough week. Ever since my coworker was let go, I've been working until around 7 pm most nights, missing work outs and feeling like I'm barely treading water. I apologize for not being able to make the rounds to all of the blogs and leave comments. I am reading when I can, I'm just not talking. Also, I can tell I am working harder, because at the end of the day, I am starving - your brain can burn calories too! By some sort of miracle, or the copious amounts of stress I've been dealing with, today I'm weighing in at 228.2. Which is a loss of 2.6 pounds. Fluke? I don't know. So finally, I zipped past my short term goal of 230.

Can I tell you that it has taken me 1.5 years to lose 61 pounds? Sheesh that's slow! But, allegedly this will help me keep it off, yes?

The good:

- The only thing that stopped me from eating my weight in cheese this week was that I planned my meals. Being at work and having my breakfast, piles of fruit, and my lunch already made and waiting keeps me from going to the food court and making poor choices.

- My dental saga was finished on Wednesday th 30th, and I've discovered one positive thing. I think I have kicked my addiction to high fructose corn syrup. I was making room in my calorie allottment all the time to eat candy. I NEEDED it. But since the teeth nightmare, I haven't been able to eat it, and now I think I can continue that. This is a very good thing. I'll probably still eat gummy bears and licorice at some point, but it won't be a need.


- I missed all my weeknight workouts with Katie. It makes me think that until we hire someone, I'm going to have to exercise in the morning. But getting up at 6 am in the cold and dark is REALLY not appealing to me - or my work out buddy!

- Haven't logged anything into FitDay. But since I eat the same thing each day during the week, I knew what my calories were.

- Friday evening, my husband came home from work with bad news. They changed his position at work to something he loathes doing. He is angry and frustrated and wants out. We have a mortgage, and I am scared to death that he'll quit without a net. Then I feel like a terrible wife - shouldn't I want a happy person - not someone who is miserable just to get a paycheck? Of course I do - I am just pretty reactionary. We'll be fine for a while if he does need to leave, but it is still scary. We spoke about it, and he understands, and he doesn't want to quit the company altogether, he just wants to work in another capacity. So I'm focusing on being supportive and loving and rational. He went on informational interview today, and it looks promising.

But, back to Friday. I binged. I did it willingly - it wasn't as though my mind left my body, and I woke up shocked that I had eaten so much, I did it out of habit and my enemy, Need was right there with me. I was walking to meet my husband after work, and I saw the burger place. I bought onion rings. And ate them. (They were good!) Then I went home and ate 2 slices of leftover pizza. (It was good too!) Then I made a burrito out of my healthy tamale casserole (so good!) and then I ate dessert. (really, really, good!) Was I disgusted with myself? No. Shouldn't I be? I'm really, really, not. Being disgusted won't change anything. I'm Disappointed, embarrassed and feeling stupid for wasting all that food on an emotional jaunt. I know it is within me to not do that, and I know that I have to be super diligent about it. As I kept eating, it was like - is it worth it? And even though the answer was no, I still did it. It reminded me about Diana's post about how she needed to be full when she was faced with bad news. I needed to as well. Why? I don't know yet.

I got up on Saturday and went to my regular work out. I ate a low calorie soup and fruit, and drank my water, and then ate a burger and hashbrowns for dinner. (We were at a diner, had no other alternatives). On Sunday I did laundry and grocery shopped and baked for others, and ate healthfully all day. So, we get back on track and do the best we can. This weekend really brought home that I'm going to have to fight food demons and old habits for the rest of my life. But, it will be worth it in the long run to have a longer, leaner life.
The fact that I have a loss this week is really confusing. It's maddening to me when I do the "right" things and maintain or only have a small loss, and this week I was all over the road, except for planned meals and one free for all, and I lose. I would like to say that the weight loss gods are effing with me.