Vanity or Health?

Something that I see very commonly across weight loss blogs are "losers" (get it? weight loss! Loser!) not caring about the number on the scale. I've even said it myself. But in reality and my heart, I do. I remember seeing Rosie O'Donnell in an interview and she said that as long as she's under 200 pounds, she's happy and that even 199 makes her high-five the nurse on the way out the door at the doctor's office. Hilarious and true. I've been thinking about what my threshold is. I have this goal to get under 200 pounds - so that means I care about the number. But really, I finally figured out what I do care about. Clothing size. That's what I really want. My friend sent me some gorgeous size 16 pants that she gleefully can no longer wear. They are in mint condition, perfect for work and high quality. I want to wear them. I want to be able to zip them up and feel good. And if I was a size 16 or my ultimate goal of size 10 or 12 and weighed but still weighed 224 pounds, I wouldn't care. (I don't think so, anyway) But smaller scale numbers should also equal smaller pants numbers.


Shouldn't I be more concerned about my health? Not vainly trying to fit into some clothes? Yes of course, I started this whole thing back when I got married and was inspired to live a longer life. However my weight has been an issue since I was 11 or 12. All of my childhood and adolescent memories often have a patina of feeling left out, being stared at, being made fun of, being rejected, and feeling inadequate because of my size (This is not a pity party - I also have been surrounded by love and accomplishments). But seriously, no one ever made fun of my cholesterol level or my risk for diabetes. No one can tell by looking at me that I can do 6 miles on the bike in 30 minutes, or plank and bridge in 15 and 30 second stints, they can't see what I ate for breakfast (fruit and yogurt) or that I watch my calories, or that I can do 20 lunges, or that my cholesterol levels and blood pressure are beautiful. I am so much fitter at 224 than I ever was at 290. So I wonder- what if I never lose another ounce? Am I still healthy? Can I accept the fact that size 10 or 12 pants aren't in my future? I know that in high school I was probably a size 16 or 18 - but I'm not one of those women who suddenly gained weight after they had a baby or something. I don't have a memory of oh- I want to get back to that weight. I've spent my whole life struggling with the vain part, and now I've connected the health part, so now I guess I have to connect the emotional part. Being in my 30's - with a pretty wonderful life and more physically fit than I have ever been in my entire life. And if size 18 pants are my only option, then I need to get over it already.

I'm not giving up on weighing less than 200, but I think I'll put the scale away for a while.

motivation en rouge

Saturday I got the shopping fever. You know the symptoms, bored with your wardrobe, need something to celebrate some weight loss and the arrival of spring, and oh yes, your work out buddy mentions the 40% off sale at Lane Bryant. However, I am not allowing myself to buy new new clothes (even at 40% off) because I am determined to continue changing my size. So to appease my wanton shopper, I took myself to the Goodwill. And there I fell in love with my red dress. When I was a little girl and watched The Parent Trap 800 times, I thought Maureen O'Hara was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And that scene where the girls trick each of the parents into meeting for dinner, and she's wearing a midnight blue A-Line totally 1950's gown, well, swoon. So, this dress reminds me of her and that scene, as well as making me feel feminine and pretty. Because with your arm chubs pinched, and your love handles hanging out, it is best to feel feminine and pretty as well.

Even though the tag said the size was XL, I raced into the dressing room, hopeful and determined. Much like the first time you go to bed with your amour, no? Oh my lord, it does not fit. It does not even begin to fit. I can get it over my head, and put my arm through the perfectly cute cuffed sleeves, but I can't zip it, and the V-neck won't cover my breasts. So of course at $6.00 I bought it! I showed Mr. Black and he said "It's a goal dress." True enough! So the photo I have of it is on a hanger, to save some of my dignity. I don't know that I'll ever really fit into it, the fact that I can get it over my head is promising. It may be 2012 when I wear it, but luckily it is classic. This is a terrible picture, but it is a faux-wrap dress, with a long sash, with a v-neck. I wish I was one of those glamorous bloggers with a Nikon that captures every last dog hair that's probably coating my dress, but alas, I have a point and shoot.

Even more cause now to continue at Pilates, and exercise, yes? Yes! Thank you for listening to the saga of my new unwearable dress. I was really flattered to read such encouraging comments to show a photo. Tune in next week when I post about the hairdo I won't get, or the shoes that almost were.

Happiness Is… or How my week went

Here are my highs and lows for the Healthy You Challenge 2008 week 3 check-in.

Happiness is…

• An emergency root canal on Monday that has returned me to the cheerful and loving creature I usually am. Today is the first day in 8 that I have not woken up with a surly attitude filled with pain. I wanted to kiss the endodontist that helped me. I feel a million times better.
• Eating within my calorie guidelines!
• Scrambling at the big girl's store for a little jacket to cover my upper arm chubs for the fancy party - and finding I can wear a 14!!! I also had to exchange a shirt Mr. Black gave me for Christmas, and I could get it in a 14/16 - it is a jersey knit, which is a lot more forgiving, but I know I'm getting closer to being able to wear that size in all fabrics and items.
• Putting on a dress that I bought 3 years ago, and having to cinch the waist!
• Having my coworker take this photo of me in said dress and chub-cover. Sassy!

The not so happy

• Skipped an exercise session – pretty good reason, but skipped nonetheless.
• Drank way too much wine at said party - empty calories. Ah, well, we live and learn.
• Now that chewing is a wee bit easier – I’m fighting the urge to eat a lot of pizza and chocolate
• Didn't log all my meals, but for reasons of laziness rather than wanting forget what I ate.

show and tell

Let's accentuate the positive! A show and tell of photos. I never took an official "before" photo of myself. But I think this is pretty accurate of what I looked like "before".

So here we are in September of 2006, at the gorgeous Crater Lake in Oregon, when I had been exercising for one month. Please note I NEVER wear tank tops in public without something to cover my arms. But it was so hot there! And I actually reasoned that I would never see those people again.

And now, 51 pounds gone! I couldn't resist the pants pull out at my waist. And yes, I really am that tacky to wear a red bra under my green tank top. Love me anyway! That is "clingiest" tank top I own and now it aint so clingy!

And now some photos from the side and in front. How hard is it to get in front of the camera and not suck your tummy in? I have been doing that my whole life, so it is funny to force myself to not do that. This is the real deal, man.

And finally, my new jeans! When I go to put these on, they look absolutely teeny tiny to me, even though in the photo they don't look that small. I'm going to hang on to my old size 28 jeans for future comparisons.



So tacky bra strap and all, these photos make me feel good! They kind of solidify my progress for me. I need to keep these in my mind for motivation. And thus ends the show and tell portion of our program.

If Grimm Wrote Weight-Loss Tales, This Would be It.

In theme with my 48 pounds deserves $50 worth of pants, I took 3 pairs of pants and a black velvet jacket to an alterations place. Because these are good pants and I am tired of them hanging around my hips. As flattering as that can feel, I also don't need to show my lime green undies to coworkers.

The owner of the business greeted me and told me to try each pair on for a fitting. When I first came out, she said, "Okay, those look loose." I agreed, and she began pinning away. This amazing tailor is about 5'10" and probably 350 pounds, or more, she was very large.

"Did you just lose a bunch of weight?" she asked. "Yeah, I did." I replied. "How did you do it?" she asked thoughtfully. I told her how I started exercising and eating less, like people have been telling me to do my whole life. She remarked how hard it is. I agreed that it is hard fucking work - all the time. She cautioned me. "Don't lose your focus." I looked at her, and she continued "I lost 150 pounds doing what you're doing, and then I lost my focus, and it all came back." She said she was thinking about "getting back into it" again, but again, it is so hard. I commiserated with her. But part of me also was a little floored. For years I have started and stopped several weight loss programs. I have always gotten fed up and quit. I have tried visualization, dreaming of myself in a beautiful outfit, looking sleek and curvy. But with little success. This is the first time in my life that I feel I'll really make it. That I'll finally reveal the figure that's been hidden all these years. So, when I do lose my 150 pounds, I really can't fathom putting it all back on. I'm not judging this woman, I'm scared that it will happen to me too. How do you feel that kind of success, and then let it slip by you? I would think there would be a number where you would stop and say, okay, that's 20 pounds over, I need to rethink my eating habits again. It is also further confirmation that weight loss and keeping it off is a constant battle. You can't let your guard down, and throw the scale out. We must stay strong, and keep bloody exercising. Blech.

But, this woman is a miracle worker, and now my pants and jackets are perfect, and look so professional, I can't even tell where she did her magic. And to put on fitting pants that aren't cavernous - fantastic feeling!

Who, me?

File under delighted. Today I was wearing my sassy new grey and white pin-striped jumper complete with white button down shirt, and black Maryjane shoes, feeling good and reveling in the smaller size. I purchased it on last weekend's shopping expedition, even though I had only gone in for pants. And first thing this morning, a guy in my office, that I sit near, but don't work with, sees me and says "You look stunning today. Just stunning." I was, well, stunned. And flattered and delighted and tickled. Usually only Mr. Black and closest girlfriends use such high praise with me, so it was exciting to hear something so kind from someone who doesn't love me. And, I think my new friend Mr. Gunn might of agreed.

Shopping = Motivation

I hate shopping. I love grocery shopping (well, somewhat). But clothing shopping was always a chore. I used to choose whatever fits, whatever hides my ass, and is in red, black, white, green or gray. That's it. If I have to go shopping, I usually make sure to park right where I need to be, and get in and get out, as quickly as possible. And if I have other ladies with me, we must stop for lunch in between. Well, when is it ever not fun to stop for lunch? However, my body is changing in exciting ways, and I'm more amenable then I ever was to shopping.

I got a little inspiration from Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. I love this man. And although there's a part of me that says ohmygawd please calm down, it is just fashion, not the war in Iraq! I also take to heart the lessons I can learn about fitting. Like where shoulder seams are supposed to hit you (end of your shoulder), and that the crotch of your pants should hit your crotch. Amazing! Tim did a show with a woman named JeAnne who just lost 145 pounds. Wonderful! And I could so relate to her anxiety about revealing her undergarments, and to have your closet and choices (which is yourself, essentially) picked apart. But she gives me hope - and it gave good ideas of what to look for in a fit, a silhouette. I feel like I am really going to get there someday. Even if it takes me 7 years - I think I'll reach my goal weight.
So it is a new experience to learn what to look for and to appreciate my body now.

First, I'm down 3 sizes in pants. 3! I really need new jeans, and some work wear pants. But I have a really hard time spending the money - paying full price when I know I am going to shrink some more. So, I think I'll invest in some belts. And pore over the sales. But the thrill of looking in the dressing room mirror, and wanting to buy everything just to say - hey! Look at me! I have smaller pants!! Was a great feeling.

Wanted - D Cups. I used to have D cup breasts. As I discovered this weekend, I have become a C. Why is that? Why can't we hold on to those? However, I got 2 new bras that are so amazingly supportive, I now have the highest and cutest C Cups out there! And one of them is red. I don't think I've had a red bra in years, which is shameful. I love it! So even though I don't have the size I want, it was really cool to see the substantive change in clothing sizes.

It was a good feeling this weekend. And although I've been having an affair with Trader Joe's Cinnamon Cat cookies, I know that if I continue doing good work, I'll be in even smaller pants. It is so much easier to keep at it when you have some success.