Something that I see very commonly across weight loss blogs are "losers" (get it? weight loss! Loser!) not caring about the number on the scale. I've even said it myself. But in reality and my heart, I do. I remember seeing Rosie O'Donnell in an interview and she said that as long as she's under 200 pounds, she's happy and that even 199 makes her high-five the nurse on the way out the door at the doctor's office. Hilarious and true. I've been thinking about what my threshold is. I have this goal to get under 200 pounds - so that means I care about the number. But really, I finally figured out what I do care about. Clothing size. That's what I really want. My friend sent me some gorgeous size 16 pants that she gleefully can no longer wear. They are in mint condition, perfect for work and high quality. I want to wear them. I want to be able to zip them up and feel good. And if I was a size 16 or my ultimate goal of size 10 or 12 and weighed but still weighed 224 pounds, I wouldn't care. (I don't think so, anyway) But smaller scale numbers should also equal smaller pants numbers.
Shouldn't I be more concerned about my health? Not vainly trying to fit into some clothes? Yes of course, I started this whole thing back when I got married and was inspired to live a longer life. However my weight has been an issue since I was 11 or 12. All of my childhood and adolescent memories often have a patina of feeling left out, being stared at, being made fun of, being rejected, and feeling inadequate because of my size (This is not a pity party - I also have been surrounded by love and accomplishments). But seriously, no one ever made fun of my cholesterol level or my risk for diabetes. No one can tell by looking at me that I can do 6 miles on the bike in 30 minutes, or plank and bridge in 15 and 30 second stints, they can't see what I ate for breakfast (fruit and yogurt) or that I watch my calories, or that I can do 20 lunges, or that my cholesterol levels and blood pressure are beautiful. I am so much fitter at 224 than I ever was at 290. So I wonder- what if I never lose another ounce? Am I still healthy? Can I accept the fact that size 10 or 12 pants aren't in my future? I know that in high school I was probably a size 16 or 18 - but I'm not one of those women who suddenly gained weight after they had a baby or something. I don't have a memory of oh- I want to get back to that weight. I've spent my whole life struggling with the vain part, and now I've connected the health part, so now I guess I have to connect the emotional part. Being in my 30's - with a pretty wonderful life and more physically fit than I have ever been in my entire life. And if size 18 pants are my only option, then I need to get over it already.
I'm not giving up on weighing less than 200, but I think I'll put the scale away for a while.