It has been another rough week. Ever since my coworker was let go, I've been working until around 7 pm most nights, missing work outs and feeling like I'm barely treading water. I apologize for not being able to make the rounds to all of the blogs and leave comments. I am reading when I can, I'm just not talking. Also, I can tell I am working harder, because at the end of the day, I am starving - your brain can burn calories too! By some sort of miracle, or the copious amounts of stress I've been dealing with, today I'm weighing in at 228.2. Which is a loss of 2.6 pounds. Fluke? I don't know. So finally, I zipped past my short term goal of 230.
Can I tell you that it has taken me 1.5 years to lose 61 pounds? Sheesh that's slow! But, allegedly this will help me keep it off, yes?
- The only thing that stopped me from eating my weight in cheese this week was that I planned my meals. Being at work and having my breakfast, piles of fruit, and my lunch already made and waiting keeps me from going to the food court and making poor choices.
- My dental saga was finished on Wednesday th 30th, and I've discovered one positive thing. I think I have kicked my addiction to high fructose corn syrup. I was making room in my calorie allottment all the time to eat candy. I NEEDED it. But since the teeth nightmare, I haven't been able to eat it, and now I think I can continue that. This is a very good thing. I'll probably still eat gummy bears and licorice at some point, but it won't be a need.
- I missed all my weeknight workouts with Katie. It makes me think that until we hire someone, I'm going to have to exercise in the morning. But getting up at 6 am in the cold and dark is REALLY not appealing to me - or my work out buddy!
- Haven't logged anything into FitDay. But since I eat the same thing each day during the week, I knew what my calories were.
- Friday evening, my husband came home from work with bad news. They changed his position at work to something he loathes doing. He is angry and frustrated and wants out. We have a mortgage, and I am scared to death that he'll quit without a net. Then I feel like a terrible wife - shouldn't I want a happy person - not someone who is miserable just to get a paycheck? Of course I do - I am just pretty reactionary. We'll be fine for a while if he does need to leave, but it is still scary. We spoke about it, and he understands, and he doesn't want to quit the company altogether, he just wants to work in another capacity. So I'm focusing on being supportive and loving and rational. He went on informational interview today, and it looks promising.
But, back to Friday. I binged. I did it willingly - it wasn't as though my mind left my body, and I woke up shocked that I had eaten so much, I did it out of habit and my enemy, Need was right there with me. I was walking to meet my husband after work, and I saw the burger place. I bought onion rings. And ate them. (They were good!) Then I went home and ate 2 slices of leftover pizza. (It was good too!) Then I made a burrito out of my healthy tamale casserole (so good!) and then I ate dessert. (really, really, good!) Was I disgusted with myself? No. Shouldn't I be? I'm really, really, not. Being disgusted won't change anything. I'm Disappointed, embarrassed and feeling stupid for wasting all that food on an emotional jaunt. I know it is within me to not do that, and I know that I have to be super diligent about it. As I kept eating, it was like - is it worth it? And even though the answer was no, I still did it. It reminded me about Diana's post about how she needed to be full when she was faced with bad news. I needed to as well. Why? I don't know yet.
I got up on Saturday and went to my regular work out. I ate a low calorie soup and fruit, and drank my water, and then ate a burger and hashbrowns for dinner. (We were at a diner, had no other alternatives). On Sunday I did laundry and grocery shopped and baked for others, and ate healthfully all day. So, we get back on track and do the best we can. This weekend really brought home that I'm going to have to fight food demons and old habits for the rest of my life. But, it will be worth it in the long run to have a longer, leaner life.
The fact that I have a loss this week is really confusing. It's maddening to me when I do the "right" things and maintain or only have a small loss, and this week I was all over the road, except for planned meals and one free for all, and I lose. I would like to say that the weight loss gods are effing with me.