Le saboteur?

Last Thursday and Friday I was over the moon at 48 pounds gone. I was encouraged, hopeful, my body and I were really making a difference and taking care of each other. And Friday I ate a turkey and bacon sandwich. And potato chips. And Pizza. And over the weekend, I ate desserts and drank wine, and didn't go to the gym. So is that sabotage? Or was I merely enjoying life?

There is advice out there to get away from food rewards. To mark a weight loss milestone, you are to pamper yourself with mani-pedis, a new CD, a massage, or new clothes. Or whatever doesn't involve eating, that makes you feel good. But in our society and in my family especially, we celebrate with food. Happy Birthday - here's a cake! You got a promotion - let's go out to dinner. I haven't seen you in forever - let's go out for drinks. My Mom shows love with food, and I do the same. I bake for special occasions, I love cooking for my husband, friends and family. When we all sit down to a meal that I've prepared, I feel proud, warm and happy.


I know myself well enough to realize that the key to my weight loss and happiness and self satisfaction for the rest of my life is to not exclude certain foods altogether. As soon as I'm told that I can't have something, I instantly need 17 servings. So when does the line between living and self sabotage get crossed? Is it overeating for several days? One difference in my behavior after doing this for over a year, is that usually when I have an indulgent high calorie day, I pick myself up and don't have one the next day. However, when I have a significant loss, like last week, my first thought is "Oh good, now I can have some pizza." I tend to reward myself with food. Still!! Is self-sabotage throwing up our hands and saying I don't care?

So here's the real question - how to get rid of the guilt? This is my biggest struggle. I don't really feel guilty when I'm eating something rich (sometimes). It mostly kicks in when I get on the scale and see the results of said eating. There are phrases/affirmations that I remind myself of when I am feeling like this, but I'd love some more. Or I guess I need to learn how to get them ingrained.

• I am not my weight. I am many other things.
• The scale reports what it "sees" that day. My weight can fluctuate from day to day, and this is just what it is today.
• You can always go the gym more often if you'd like to see more of a difference.
• You are exercising, you are eating healthfully - it's okay if you don't lose each week.
• It will all come off eventually.

So a preview for tomorrow's weigh in. It isn't going to be too pretty. And that's okay, I'm working to believe. And tonight I am circuit training nerd girl all on my lonesome.