HYC 2009 Check In

Drum roll, please for the first official weigh in of 2009! Today the scale saw 222.8 – hooray! What a relief. I went to the gym three whole times over my Christmas and New Year’s break, so apparently it was effective. I’m pleased that I only gained and lost and then settled at a net gain of 3 pounds in December. I seriously thought it would end up being closer to 6 or 7.

For 2009, I’m not going to put too much pressure on myself to hit a certain number – or, at least not an unreasonable number. And looking at my weigh in from January 2008 – I only lost 16 pounds in 2008. 16! But I bet my stress bucket lost at least 50 pounds. So here are some fitness goals for 2009.

• Fit into a size 14 pants (I'm pouring myself into an 18 now)
• Do some Pilates work on my own at least twice a week, rather than just once weekly at my class
• Get my weight somewhere under 200 pounds - 199.8 counts!
• Lose the guilt on indulging. If I'm going to eat something off plan, or not work out as hard as I can/should, then I have to accept what I did (see also only losing 16 pounds in one year)

In housekeeping news, my schedule at work is going to go crazy like bananas for the next two weeks, we have 19 reports due by January 15th, and our office is packing up and moving on the 16th, and the 16th is opening night of my show, so I'm in rehearsals every night until then. So posting will be spotty at best. I’ll see you on the 19th or so! Happy New Year!

The Blind Spot Diaries, Part I

Saturday marked my return to the fray of rehearsal. The show (Blind Spot) opens in eleven days. Eleven! It's very exciting and a little nerve wracking to be this close to having an audience. Up until now, this was just something sort of fun that was taking up all my free time, and it felt like my own personal project. Now I'm saying uh, Sara, you need to realize that we're going to have an audience, and that it matters how quickly you pick up my cues, and how well you're representing the playwrights' and director's vision, and this ain't just fun and games, baby. This whole experience has really affected me. I have not been writing about it here much, because it is hard to put into words. Essentially, I feel vulnerable and exposed, and pretty soon there will be a house full of people staring at me. So much of what these feelings are about are due to wondering if I can really pull off what I'm being asked to do. The characters I'm playing aren't the usual for me, normally I'm the comic relief. I love the feedback of making an audience laugh. Not hearing that in this show is killing me and makes me question what I'm doing. The director is so lovely, the kind of woman you want to sit with and hug and talk and share a bottle of wine with. But more than that, she's generous and kind, has wonderful vision about what this show is and communicates it clearly. At one point last month she must have smelled my fear or insecurity and looked me in the eyes and said to me "You need to realize that you are enough. You are enough." and she just about knocked me down. I'm taking that and putting it my pocket to hold on to as we get closer to opening. However, I'm the only one that can get myself to the point of feeling good about what I'm doing. I have one character (I'm playing 5 different women) that is really a challenge for me, and I'm struggling to get it just right. And time is running short to keep experimenting - I need to make some choices (Dare to suck!) and get to a place where I don't feel floundery. Just like when the scale ain't moving, you have to realize that only you can shake up your routine. In my heart, I know that I can play these parts and I know that it will be great fun and I know that I am lucky to be a part of a really creative show with really really talented people. I also need to remember that this director is so smart that she wouldn't have put me here if she didn't believe in me. Right? Right. So pipe down, negative self-talk, sheesh, we don't need you here.


I'm not putting this all out here to fish for compliments - I'm just recording some feelings. I too am a little disgusted by the insecurity - and hello, not helping me give a better performance. It feels good to purge this here - get rid of it and start working on feeling confident. Off I go!

HYC Check In

My last check in for 2008. In honor of the last check in (and the fact that I'm menstrual and have been eating like cheese is going out of style), I'm off the scale this week. Since this is the last check in I've been thinking about all I've learned in 2008 while participating in the Healthy You Challenge:

• I like shopping for clothing when I have lost weight
• I won't lose weight without exercise - and vigorous exercise at that
• Weighing every day is helpful
• I love finding new and creative ways to cook healthful and tasty food
• I love doing Pilates - and how strong it makes me feel
• I love looking at the muscles in my body
• I enjoy the support and friendship blogging brings me
• I need to focus on cutting down on my sugar intake (I'm sweet enough, right?)
• Journaling my food keeps me honest, strict, and leaner
• I am inspired by all the Healthy You Challenge members and their honesty, humor, discoveries and determination
• I am capable of getting to my goal weight. It's not an impossible dream.

So with that, I venture into the Healthy You Challenge 2009 - determined and inspired and ready to kick some butt! Thank you to everyone who has offered their support here - I look forward to another successful year!

Snow is a four letter word

My guys in our winter wonderland, when it was still cute and fun.

Professor FatPants by the fire:

The dustbowl we woke up to this morning:

I am living as a pioneer woman - snow, snow and more snow has us trapped at home. Winter is long and hard. Cookie jar is now full. Pa is working hard, as I gaze at the Christmas tree and dream of spring. Coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream makes the day go by faster, and churning butter more fun.

Seattle is pathetic in the snow. I am even more pathetic than the city, with the whining and the fretting if I have to travel in it. I think it is the uncertainty - will I be able to get to work? Will I be able to get home for Christmas? No sense fretting now, when there are cookies to bake! Pecan Pie bars, peanut butter and chocolate chip bars, and coconut bars with a graham cracker crust, and chocolate and peanut butter top - if you're curious. We've been home together since Thursday, and the stir craziness is settling in. It was really romantic and fun at first, but now, its just annoying. Before the whining (too late) - here's the gratitude list. I am grateful that I have a home, heat, food, my husband and dog at home with me, and that my office was closed on Friday, so I could stay home and bake without guilt. Also, I am so grateful that I am not a bus driver, they have it rough. Especially these guys who nearly went over Interstate 5. I am so grateful that they did not and that everyone on the buses were safe.

We took a lovely walk in the snow with The Ding yesterday, and then for more fun, Mr. Black had to change a tire on my car - what is worse than changing a tire in the snow? I am so lucky he was willing to do it! Thursday we woke up to about 5 inches of snow, and then last night we had blizzard conditions - wind and snow together. The fence around our yard must have acted like a vortex, because all of the snow collected on our porch and roof and obscured the yard. This morning I went out to shovel the walk - and the top level of the snow was like a crunchy creme brulee. Thank goodness we have a gate to guide us to the walkway. I don't know how people in the Midwest live like this all the time. Probably because their towns have more than one snow plow, eh? I'm also lucky for a funny husband. Here are two of my favorite quips. When I suggested that I could walk to the store (1.5 miles away - one way) and Mr. Black scoffed, and then he replied "Well, keep a journal so when they find it in the snow I'll know what happened." and then when I was stressing out about not being able to go out and shop, and oh no, what if he didn't have anything to open on Christmas day? He suggested "Then I'd better have a lot of hott sex coupons to open." Oh so funny, that man.

Since we're not rehearsing the show, I've been gorging on home time these past few days. I've been cooking up a storm. I've discovered that having a lot of food around makes me feel safe. Even though there was plenty to eat, I walked to the 7-11 to pay $5 for eggs. I made chicken potpie and it was delicious, spicy black bean soup and tomorrow we're having beef stir fry. The laundry is caught up, the bathroom and kitchen are clean, and our WSU cheese was delivered yesterday. Hooray! I hope everyone is having a lovely winter and is safely gearing up to Christmas. Send warm thoughts that will melt the snow!

HYC Check In

Here is what happens when I stop exercising, and still allow myself to eat sweets. I will gain about 1.4 pounds a week, on average. My clothes still fit, but I feel squishier, softer. I dread posting my weight here. And it’s my party, so I can make the rules and say “No weigh in today!” which I seriously considered today, but I know that no one cares how much I weigh more than I do. Not writing down the number will not change the fact that it is there. I am on the border of beating myself up and throwing up my hands and saying “Screw it. Put on 10 pounds in December. Who cares?” But I do care. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t matter. So, today I’m 224. The world has not ended, I have not turned into a sloth, and I have not given up the dream or goal of continuing to lose weight. I am just not able to focus on it right now. The week of December 29-January 2, I can exercise. And I will.

HYC Check In

I'm a day late for weigh in! 222.6 – I’m up 2.6 pounds since my vacation and Thanksgiving. It could have been a lot worse, so I’ll take this and remind myself that cookies do not make the world go round, nor the scale go down. Do you know what happens to your body when you stop exercising? You don’t need as much food. I always have a stash of fruit and peanut butter and nuts to sustain me throughout my work day. And I find myself looking at the clock thinking – its time to eat! Then I realize that I am not hungry. What a concept - food as fuel. Less movement, less fuel. I guess that whole thing about exercise speeding up your metabolism is true.

My last panicky post was me thinking (screaming?) out loud. And since then, I’ve recalled my Mom’s rule. You can only feel sorry for yourself for 2 days, then you have to make a list of what to change or do next. This applies to just about any situation in life, but especially weight loss. I have to accept that for the next 6 weeks, exercise will be low, so my calories have to be even lower. Bor-ing - eating is way more fun. But not gaining weight is even more fun than that. The next two weeks are jam-packed for me, so please excuse my absence from the HYC blogger's comment sections. I hope everyone had a great week!

Everything, all at once

I've returned from from Chicago with baby oxytosin coursing through my veins, along with probably a lot of booze and day-glo orange cheddar and caramel popcorn. Nutritious, no? My friend's baby was beautiful, adorable, completely huggable and so sweet. The visit was far too short, but was just delicious.

I'm feeling sort of panicky, (can one be just a little panicky?) about losing weight, about being in rehearsal 5 days a week, working and not having time to work out, go Christmas shopping or hey, doing some blogging. Jumping back into the swing of things, I weighed 10 (!!!) pounds heavier than when I left. I know that wasn't really accurate since we had been on a weird flying schedule and then my cycle started. So I think by next Tuesday I'll be at a more accurate weight.

My schedule begs the question "Take a break from losing weight?" I know that mentally I need to take the pressure off of myself. It's so disheartening to post a gain - it is even more disheartening to even just see it on the scale, privately. I haven't even been on the scale since Saturday. I have planned my meals, I am exercising on the weekends, and that is all I can do. However, there are cookies in the office, and my director brought in dessert, and there were chips and cookies and fruit at the theater - I don't do well abstaining from everything. And when I eat it, I think - why are you making this so important? Why are you eating something that you know is not a good choice? And I know the answer is simply because I want to. I want the taste. I want to participate in the social aspect. I want to eat what tastes good, and not face the consequences. I want to think that eating healthfully 90% of the time deserves to eat something not so healthy. And I'm eating small quantities of the bad stuff - but still, I think there is something inherently wrong with putting something in your mouth and then feeling guilty about it. When I am exercising regularly, I can eat things that are not "on plan" and still see lower numbers, so I'm having trouble changing that habit. The answer? Don't eat it. That's been 50% of my problem my whole life, so why is it so hard for me practice it?

This rambling entry brought to you by the fear of gaining 20 pounds in December. And it doesn't help that I hear "Oh, people always gain weight during the holidays, don't worry." I don't want to undo everything I've done. Blah, blah, blah, make better choices, I am capable of success, and I need to stop whining about a rehearsal schedule because I put myself here! This whole acting experience is stretching me like crazy, which is a post for another day. Now I'm off to eat my healthy lunch - a chickpea curry and a salad. And no cookies!