Everything, all at once

I've returned from from Chicago with baby oxytosin coursing through my veins, along with probably a lot of booze and day-glo orange cheddar and caramel popcorn. Nutritious, no? My friend's baby was beautiful, adorable, completely huggable and so sweet. The visit was far too short, but was just delicious.

I'm feeling sort of panicky, (can one be just a little panicky?) about losing weight, about being in rehearsal 5 days a week, working and not having time to work out, go Christmas shopping or hey, doing some blogging. Jumping back into the swing of things, I weighed 10 (!!!) pounds heavier than when I left. I know that wasn't really accurate since we had been on a weird flying schedule and then my cycle started. So I think by next Tuesday I'll be at a more accurate weight.

My schedule begs the question "Take a break from losing weight?" I know that mentally I need to take the pressure off of myself. It's so disheartening to post a gain - it is even more disheartening to even just see it on the scale, privately. I haven't even been on the scale since Saturday. I have planned my meals, I am exercising on the weekends, and that is all I can do. However, there are cookies in the office, and my director brought in dessert, and there were chips and cookies and fruit at the theater - I don't do well abstaining from everything. And when I eat it, I think - why are you making this so important? Why are you eating something that you know is not a good choice? And I know the answer is simply because I want to. I want the taste. I want to participate in the social aspect. I want to eat what tastes good, and not face the consequences. I want to think that eating healthfully 90% of the time deserves to eat something not so healthy. And I'm eating small quantities of the bad stuff - but still, I think there is something inherently wrong with putting something in your mouth and then feeling guilty about it. When I am exercising regularly, I can eat things that are not "on plan" and still see lower numbers, so I'm having trouble changing that habit. The answer? Don't eat it. That's been 50% of my problem my whole life, so why is it so hard for me practice it?

This rambling entry brought to you by the fear of gaining 20 pounds in December. And it doesn't help that I hear "Oh, people always gain weight during the holidays, don't worry." I don't want to undo everything I've done. Blah, blah, blah, make better choices, I am capable of success, and I need to stop whining about a rehearsal schedule because I put myself here! This whole acting experience is stretching me like crazy, which is a post for another day. Now I'm off to eat my healthy lunch - a chickpea curry and a salad. And no cookies!