HYC Check In

I am under the gun a bit - a real post is in the works, but I will check in to say that menstrual cycle, drinks after a show, and no exercise makes Sara a bigger girl. 225.8 today. Ouch. I touched down at 221.8 last week, but I guess that doesn't count.

I'm slowly returning to reading and commenting on challenge blogs. Excuses, excuses. See you later!

HYC 2009 Check In

Drum roll, please for the first official weigh in of 2009! Today the scale saw 222.8 – hooray! What a relief. I went to the gym three whole times over my Christmas and New Year’s break, so apparently it was effective. I’m pleased that I only gained and lost and then settled at a net gain of 3 pounds in December. I seriously thought it would end up being closer to 6 or 7.

For 2009, I’m not going to put too much pressure on myself to hit a certain number – or, at least not an unreasonable number. And looking at my weigh in from January 2008 – I only lost 16 pounds in 2008. 16! But I bet my stress bucket lost at least 50 pounds. So here are some fitness goals for 2009.

• Fit into a size 14 pants (I'm pouring myself into an 18 now)
• Do some Pilates work on my own at least twice a week, rather than just once weekly at my class
• Get my weight somewhere under 200 pounds - 199.8 counts!
• Lose the guilt on indulging. If I'm going to eat something off plan, or not work out as hard as I can/should, then I have to accept what I did (see also only losing 16 pounds in one year)

In housekeeping news, my schedule at work is going to go crazy like bananas for the next two weeks, we have 19 reports due by January 15th, and our office is packing up and moving on the 16th, and the 16th is opening night of my show, so I'm in rehearsals every night until then. So posting will be spotty at best. I’ll see you on the 19th or so! Happy New Year!

The Blind Spot Diaries, Part I

Saturday marked my return to the fray of rehearsal. The show (Blind Spot) opens in eleven days. Eleven! It's very exciting and a little nerve wracking to be this close to having an audience. Up until now, this was just something sort of fun that was taking up all my free time, and it felt like my own personal project. Now I'm saying uh, Sara, you need to realize that we're going to have an audience, and that it matters how quickly you pick up my cues, and how well you're representing the playwrights' and director's vision, and this ain't just fun and games, baby. This whole experience has really affected me. I have not been writing about it here much, because it is hard to put into words. Essentially, I feel vulnerable and exposed, and pretty soon there will be a house full of people staring at me. So much of what these feelings are about are due to wondering if I can really pull off what I'm being asked to do. The characters I'm playing aren't the usual for me, normally I'm the comic relief. I love the feedback of making an audience laugh. Not hearing that in this show is killing me and makes me question what I'm doing. The director is so lovely, the kind of woman you want to sit with and hug and talk and share a bottle of wine with. But more than that, she's generous and kind, has wonderful vision about what this show is and communicates it clearly. At one point last month she must have smelled my fear or insecurity and looked me in the eyes and said to me "You need to realize that you are enough. You are enough." and she just about knocked me down. I'm taking that and putting it my pocket to hold on to as we get closer to opening. However, I'm the only one that can get myself to the point of feeling good about what I'm doing. I have one character (I'm playing 5 different women) that is really a challenge for me, and I'm struggling to get it just right. And time is running short to keep experimenting - I need to make some choices (Dare to suck!) and get to a place where I don't feel floundery. Just like when the scale ain't moving, you have to realize that only you can shake up your routine. In my heart, I know that I can play these parts and I know that it will be great fun and I know that I am lucky to be a part of a really creative show with really really talented people. I also need to remember that this director is so smart that she wouldn't have put me here if she didn't believe in me. Right? Right. So pipe down, negative self-talk, sheesh, we don't need you here.


I'm not putting this all out here to fish for compliments - I'm just recording some feelings. I too am a little disgusted by the insecurity - and hello, not helping me give a better performance. It feels good to purge this here - get rid of it and start working on feeling confident. Off I go!