The end of the Plateau

While I was away from blogging – I had my usual annual checkup with my doctor, with blood draw. My docotor called me the next day and said “Are you tired? Your thyroid is low.” I immediately rattled off "No, I am pretty energetic and I rarely get tired and I’m just fine." Then I stopped and thought 'Well, except on the weekends when I get up, don’t eat breakfast, exercise, grocery shop, then eat, then start laundry – by 2 pm I’m ready to collapse.' Hmm, guess I’m not fine. When she said I needed to come in, get re-tested and most likely a prescription, I had a woe-is-me day, and mentally berated myself for years of not giving a flying fig about my health. I’m convinced that I broke my thyroid. That's helpful, isn't it? My lovely doctor said no you didn't, so I mentally moved on.

She gave me a prescription, and within the first month of taking it, those 3 pounds I’ve been losing/gaining in all of 2009 were gone. Oh, I love my thyroid med! Hooray! And I wasn’t so tired on the weekends. A little, but not like before. Awesome, am still in love with thyroid medication. Then I go in for my 8-week follow up in April. My levels are still not right. Apparently getting the dosage right is a very sensitve calibration, and can take a lot of tweaking. So we're playing around with the dosage, trying to see where I need to be.

The relief that I felt at finally knowing that my body was working against me in late 2008 and all of 2009, was tremendous. (Also, kind of embarrassing that I never thought anything was wrong with me.) I look back at last year's fiber goals and protein goals, and exercise goals I was meeting and trying my best to meet and I was still getting nowhere, except MAD. The frustration that I felt last year at getting nowhere on the scale led me to some lazy behavior about tracking food and saying no to sugar, which made things worse for myself. I know it wasn't entirely my little thyroid gland's fault that I got stuck, but this diagnosis has renewed my faith that I can continue to lose weight, as long as I realize that my body is pretty sensitive to what I put in it. More fuel, less junk!

Frisco Fun!

I had another great day yesterday. Went outside of my calorie limits, (pot luck at work) but I was really careful with portions, pushed myself at Pilates, and then walked the dog. Good job!

A fantastic weekend looms ahead of me - another work trip, and this time I'm heading to San Francisco! And basically I am like can'twaitcantwaitcantwaitOMGcantwait. I am soooo excited about this trip because I haven't been there in years. Sadly, Mr. Black can't join me, but my brother is coming up to meet me. Two crazy siblings painting the town red! Or, maybe recession orange. I'm so looking forward to a some little brother time. Time to laugh until we pee. Awesome. I'll help stimulate California's economy without trying to sniff out and glare at all the Proposition 8 supporters and the court justices who made an error this week. Ahem. Moving on, I also want to take a moment to pause at the bay, that's where our father's ashes are, so we can say a little prayer in the sunshine.

Here's the pitfall - our visit will involve eating and drinking. What do I want more? An indulgent weekend? Or, a healthy weigh in? Well of COURSE the obvious answer is that I want BOTH. But my body absorbs rich food like a sponge. All I can do is ask myself these questions with every bite and sip. Thankfully, I'll be on the same time zone, so getting up to work out before work won't feel like I've got lead weights attached to my eyeballs. I'll meet you back here on Tuesday with a full report, but no weigh in. Wish me luck! No, don't. I know what to do.

Starting over

Oh! Here's where I left my blog. My goodness, it has been a while. I have had the busiest summer of celebrations ever. 3 events where I was pretty integral to the planning and something had to fall by the wayside. Unfortunately, eating well fell down with blogging. I have a hard time saying no to a party. I have an even harder time saying no to wine and snacks at a party. So, I didn't say no, quite a bit. Exercise has been spotty and when I finally got on the scale, I've gained nearly 4 pounds. Yikes! But I followed the perfect combination for gaining weight, so I was not surprised.

Last week I took the whole week off from work and relaxed at home. Also I pretended I was a housewife as Mr. Black couldn't take any vacation time. It was pretty fun, although I never greeted him at the door in Saran Wrap or anything. I think I enjoyed it because it was only temporary. Best housewife score? I got organic ground beef for $1.50 a pound!! I bought 10 pounds worth. That's unheard of. (It only had 3 days before expiring, so into the freezer it went.

I exercised 5 days in a row - count 'em - 5! That felt really good. One of my most significant chores was clearing out all of the clothes that I can't wear anymore. Because they are too big. I did keep some that are marginal - like I shouldn't wear them, but I can still kinda get away with it, if I have to. It was very freeing and also it is wonderful to not have to dig my way through my closet to find things to wear. And also, now I get to shop!

Now that my summer is mine again, I am able to re-double my efforts. Time to ask the question - what is it worth? What is exercising and eating well worth to me. The effort and time and deprivation? You bet. Time to make my goals here. I'm also back to daily weighing and hope that tomorrow will be only mildly painful.

I also read blogs galore, but didn't comment anywhere. I am really looking forward to re-dedicating myself to the Healthy You Challenge and being a true participant. I'm back and better than ever!

I'm 63% lean!

What would make one feel the most vulnerable?

• Stating your weight out loud to a person you don't know all that well?
• Re-confirming that weight on a scale in front of said person?
• Having that person pinch, grab and measure your chubs to get your body fat percentage?

Lucky for me, I didn't have to choose just one. I got to experience all three! In step one of shaking up my fitness routine and diet, on Saturday I had my body fat percentage measured. I imagined that I would be gently pinched a little on my upper arms, and maybe around my tummy. And la, la, la it would all be over in a minute, and we'd laugh. Little did I know that I would be pinched in 7 places, and 3 times in each spot. (She also said most gym employees when measuring body fat, don't do it this way, and they do it inaccurately, and people walk around with the wrong numbers. Aren't I lucky that she was doing it the right way? I'm still sore!) I adore my YMCA trainer, I trust her, and to her credit, she warned me that it would hurt. But oy even with that warning - standing in your sports bra, with your pants just under your belly button in the office of the YMCA with a woman grabbing as much of your chubs as she can REPEATEDLY - not really a good time.

So here's the good news! I weighed in at 223 on the YMCA scale, which was a loss from Tuesday, and my home scale showed 222, which was glorious. Then, she found I was 37% body fat, which according to her calculations makes me 82 pounds fat, and 141 pounds good things like muscle, bones and organs. That was interesting to me, since that is around how much more I wanted to lose, around 78 more pounds. But according to her calculations, if I lost 35 pounds, which would put me at 188 pounds, that would make me 25% fat and is considered healthy. That's only 12% - and 35 pounds, that's easy, right? HA! None of it is easy, but it seems achievable. A little less daunting than 78. But I'm only 5'6", so I can't imagine not being considered overweight at 188. I guess I'll find out when I get there - no sense worrying about something that is 35 pounds from now! And my trainer also pointed out to not pay so much attention to the number on the scale, focus on your clothes fitting differently, and needing smaller sizes. So true! But, I'm still weighing in tomorrow. Come on, 222!

I would recommend doing the body fat measurement, even though it hurt - very informative, and I left my session feeling rejuvenated to keep on trucking. And now my trainer has an intimate appreciation of my cellulite, lovely.

You can take the scale out of the bathroom...

But you can't take the need to weigh-in out of the girl. I caved, I stepped on the scale. Actually, I don't consider it caving. It was a legitimate curiosity and I was ready to face the music. One week of waiting was enough. Luckily, it was a lower number, so of course it was a great feeling, and worth the wait. I felt like I had to be honest with ya'll, even though it only matters to me, really.

Here's what I have learned from this experiment. Keep going. My plateau at 228/230 lasted 5 weeks. I was getting stressed and feeling like a failure. I thought to myself - okay, that' s it. Maybe this is where I am meant to be. Maybe this is the weight my body is happy at. But I kept exercising, I stuck to my eating plan and finally, finally, I am down. I know in my heart that the scale is not the only reward of being healthy. But I can't help enjoying the tangibility of it. Also, getting measured for that bra this weekend was very rewarding too. I wish I had measured myself when I started this whole hullabaloo, but I didn't. Only my band size is evidence that even though the scale hadn't moved in a while, my body was changing its shape anyway.

I encourage you to plow through any plateau - it will pass. Don't stop exercising or eat too much because it all seems hopeless, because it truly isn't. Anything we do for our bodies that is healthful will have healthful benefits, sometimes they come slower than we'd like. But if I can do it, you can too, because I am a pure emotional eater, through and through.

I'd love to hear about how you guys made it through a plateau, and any other tricks you have for staying sane during it. Oooh - and if you weigh yourself every day like I do, do you find it helpful or aggravating?

P.S. 224.

HYC Check In

This Tuesday morning finds me frustrated and thinking I should be filed under Whelmed, Over. I’m weighing in at 230.2 today. I’m in full throttle of TOM, so I know it is not permanent. (READ: I’m not taking down my 60 pound sign, because I’m only .2 away.)

I always read in fascination my fellow HYC challengers who decide to stay off the scale for weeks at a time. I am a hop on the scale every morning kind of girl. It works for me because it helps me see how my weight fluctuates. Also, I think if I didn’t weigh every day and I got on the scale this morning to see that higher number, I would feel even more frustrated. But, I think I’m freaking myself out about my 70 pound goal., and I think I’m putting too much pressure on myself to get there, and since last week's weigh in, the scale hasn't moved, so I start to put more pressure on myself. Bleh. So I think that I’m going to stay off of the scale for a while. I really don’t know if I can trust myself to not get on it, but for my own sanity, I think I will. I need to focus on other things, like exercise and journaling. So let’s focus on the positive, shall we?

• Journaled - not every day, but some
• Went to all of my scheduled work outs, and walked the dog!
• Pilates class is getting less sweaty, but still challenging
• The highlight of my week – I can almost do a full-on “boy” pushup!!! Currently I can only bend my elbows about 20-30 degrees, but I can push myself back up, and I can do 3 in a row. Pathetic? Not if you’re me. This is a milestone.
  

Not a terrible week. I must remember that the scale isn't my only measuring stick.

Weigh In Day

I am down just over a pound, 1.4 to 232.8 today! I am experiencing the lady troubles as they say, which makes me a bit higher, but this is a lovely loss. 1600 a day is working! And that's all I have to say about that.

Weigh In Day

Oh, I knew this was going to be bad. I don't want to write down my weight. I don't want to tell the world just how bad it is. I had an inkling when last night I put on my exercise pants which are too big at a size 24 and they were snug. Two weeks of social eating and not exercising with regularity equals 242.6 pounds. That's a gain of 7.6 pounds. Horrible. But, like Diana the Scale Junkie said, I own it, accept it, and take responsibility for it. Ain't nothing else to do but that.

So next week will be better. I kept my 1600 calories yesterday, and I'll do it again and again. I can only go down from here! And look at that, I get to hit the 50 pound loss mark ... again. Sigh.

resolute

Happy New Year! Last night's party was a success - it was the sexy white pachyderm edition. I received for my craptastic gift a "Ho purse". This regular looking purse, filled with a thong, strappy sandals, tank top, condoms, gum, mouthwash, lubricant, etc. Hilarious! Katie got a DVD called "The Cockettes" about an acting troupe, as well as a book about sex from the middle ages forward, so the laughing was not in short supply. So fun! The onus is now upon Katie to supply all attending the party a sexy fun fact email each week for 2008. We had a blast.

So here we are on January 1st. What will be our goals? I cringe when I think of New Year Resolutions. Normally, these are little words to fail by. But, setting goals is a good idea. My weight loss has been slow. 16 months to lose 55 pounds is healthy and safe, blah, blah, blah. I want more action! I think the reason that it has been so slow is that I'm really not willing to work out more than 4 days a week, and reduce my calories below 1800. So, I think these will be things that need to change, if I want to speed up the process. Man oh man I'm going to need support - someone to say "Put the bagel down!" when I'm faltering. Lucky for us, Diana the Scale Junkie has established the Healthy You challenge for 2008. I am so excited about it. I am envisioning recipe swaps, fitness tips and general commiserating and cheering each other on. I am also compelled by looking good for others - in that I want to impress people with my progress. Approval seeker? Yes, that's me. So I think that this will be a big motivator. Also, my role model, Mel, has established an exercise streak challenge for 2008 -can I exercise every day? Oooh, the suspense!

Without further adieu, grand goals for 2008 to a healthier me.

• Faithfully log meals into FitDay
• Reduce calories to 1600 for January-March
• Reduce calories to 1500 for April - June
• Reduce calories to 1400 for July - December
• Exercise 7 days a week - 4 at the gym, walking on the other 3
• Lose 75 pounds this year!
• Lose 15 pounds by my birthday, March 31st.

Other goals, that are essential to my health, but not weight related:

• Manage the mail/filing clutter in my home. I file in my job, so I am not too eager to take care of it at home. And it is maddening
• Enroll in the SPHR course at UW
• Take an acting class? I've been off the stage for so long, I fear I'm a rusty old lady. A class will revive some confidence - this is tentative. Exercise and losing weight feels like a second job right now, and I just don't know how much time I'm willing to give up for acting even though it is emotionally rewarding for my soul.
• Enlist my husband to find an activity we can do together that doesn't only involve watching something.
• Give more compliments, give more to my community, be frank and honest on this blog.

Whew. That's a lot. I need to establish links to the healthy you community, and I will do so soon. But today is New Year's day and I have some urgent cuddling to do with husband and The Ding, and then movie watching. I wish everyone a 2008 filled with love, new friends, and stronger bodies.

Weigh in Day

Well, color me pink! Tickled, that is. Today the scale saw 235.4! Apparently you can have a party with potato chips, peppermint bark, bacon and red wine and lose a little. I will never understand the science of weight loss. When I ate kale and white bean soup for a week straight trying to get to 50 pounds gone, nothing. This week, down 1.6. But the reality could be that because I indulged in forbidden fare, I compensated by reducing my calories at other meals. Who knows. I'll take it!

Weigh In

Well hello, Thursday weigh in! You are much better than expected. Today the scale saw 240.2, which is still a gain of 1.2 pounds, but not the 3 that was forecast earlier. Phew! Back to sanctions. I've got to stay focused for the holidays, man.

I'm still sore today - but will dutifully go to water aerobics tonight. Today is a "busy eating day" at work. We're going to the Tower Club for lunch, which is a fancy schmancy place on the 73rd floor. Not too shabby for views. Its most notable feature is that the stalls in the ladies room each have their own window - so you can watch the world go by while you do your business. Lovely. Good luck to my other weighers!

Wake Up Calls

A woman I knew once told me that she finally had a hard talk with herself about her weight. She was driving home from work, and having survived a trying day, she was going to "treat" herself to a McDonald's meal. She pulled into the parking lot, and then told herself, "You will always be fat if you don't stop this." And she left the parking lot, and said that was her epiphany, her wake up call. Man, that's an awkward conversation to have! To say this to myself makes me want to throw up. It is too painful, too honest, too raw to face. I avoid calling myself the f word to an extreme degree. Overweight, not skinny, heavy - these are the acceptable terms. Fat is mean, in my mind. And I've always avoided thinking that about myself. You can see that this works much in the same way as turning up your radio in the car, so you won't hear the noise under the hood. Very effective. This is also why I have never, ever, not even once watched an episode of The Biggest Loser. I hear it is inspirational and amazing, and would probably make me cry every time I watched. (They even had auditions here in Seattle, and a friend suggested I go - not in a mean way, but in a you would lose weight and be on TV! way) I think I avoided watching it because with all that inspiration would be a heavy dose of envy as well, it would serve as a reminder of my past failures.

And 51 pounds ago, I was so comfortable with my body. I accepted it, I felt that this was my destiny. I would fantasize about being thinner - but the point from A to B was always blank. I didn't know how to get there, let alone did I want to admit that I was the one who had gotten myself here. I thought that someday I would magically emerge at a healthy weight. Until then, I'll just let the airline and movie theater seats be uncomfortable. I'll huff and puff up the hills, and stay in my cocoon of a home where I am loved and feel safe. And eat my way over 300 pounds. So to realize this week that essentially, I have had that tough "You'll Always Be" talk with myself, is a good feeling. Even though I couldn't think that way, it just came in the form of committing to exercise 4 days a week, and by eating more healthfully. I was lucky to have a friend who wanted to exercise with me. And then I found Mel, and the rest is history. I deserve to be healthy, I am in control of being healthy, and I will eventually be the girl who walks with more confidence and shops in the "regular"section of the store!! This is it - the last time I'm going to do this.

You’ll Thank me when You’re 70

Oof. Last night I went to water aerobics as per my usual routine. Then, after water aerobics, I met with Kari, my complimentary and fabulous YMCA trainer. She showed me the free weights. She is amazing. Super positive, really clear in explaining the exercises, and so funny! We laugh as much as we work out, so I love her. So today I am sore and feeling good. My current upper body strength is pathetic – and that is an improvement from one year ago. I estimate that my arms aren’t really bones and muscle, they are filled with cheese and bacon. She took me to the bench press, and asked me to lift the bar. The 45 pound bar that most people add weight to. My goal is to do 15 reps. As the bar wobbled and shook and I panicked that I was going to drop it across my larynx, I did 4. 4! So funny. But when I can do more, it will be a nice milestone to mark my progress by, yes? Kari was even positive about that.

Then she showed me lunges. I have seen people doing lunges around the track, and dreaded the day they would come into my routine. Well, out they came. And for some reason, they hurt my knee, so she said I didn’t have to do them. Yay! Oddly though, I am tempted to do them anyway. She advised that there is a fine line between working through it, and harm. So as a rule, she says if it hurts, don’t do it. So we have other things for me to do. My favorite part – before she explained the lunges, she said “You know why I’m showing you this? So when we’re 70 we’ll be able to get off the toilet.” That made me laugh, and then I realized that she is right. Throughout my whole life, I’ve been planning and waiting for someday. Someday I’ll hunker down and lose the weight. Someday I’ll exercise. Someday I’ll be on the David Letterman show. The fact remains, someday is now. There’s never a perfect time to do anything. This whole journey feels like a second job and I want a Tee-Shirt that says “I can’t – I have to go to the gym and get rid of my chubs”. Sometimes I resent the sautéing of vegetables, the evenings spent at the gym instead of with my hubby or friends, or just puttering at home. The payoff is wonderful ( or sometimes plateau-ish) I am getting stronger, and healthier and smaller. So I keep going. And I’m getting off that damn toilet when I’m 70!

If Grimm Wrote Weight-Loss Tales, This Would be It.

In theme with my 48 pounds deserves $50 worth of pants, I took 3 pairs of pants and a black velvet jacket to an alterations place. Because these are good pants and I am tired of them hanging around my hips. As flattering as that can feel, I also don't need to show my lime green undies to coworkers.

The owner of the business greeted me and told me to try each pair on for a fitting. When I first came out, she said, "Okay, those look loose." I agreed, and she began pinning away. This amazing tailor is about 5'10" and probably 350 pounds, or more, she was very large.

"Did you just lose a bunch of weight?" she asked. "Yeah, I did." I replied. "How did you do it?" she asked thoughtfully. I told her how I started exercising and eating less, like people have been telling me to do my whole life. She remarked how hard it is. I agreed that it is hard fucking work - all the time. She cautioned me. "Don't lose your focus." I looked at her, and she continued "I lost 150 pounds doing what you're doing, and then I lost my focus, and it all came back." She said she was thinking about "getting back into it" again, but again, it is so hard. I commiserated with her. But part of me also was a little floored. For years I have started and stopped several weight loss programs. I have always gotten fed up and quit. I have tried visualization, dreaming of myself in a beautiful outfit, looking sleek and curvy. But with little success. This is the first time in my life that I feel I'll really make it. That I'll finally reveal the figure that's been hidden all these years. So, when I do lose my 150 pounds, I really can't fathom putting it all back on. I'm not judging this woman, I'm scared that it will happen to me too. How do you feel that kind of success, and then let it slip by you? I would think there would be a number where you would stop and say, okay, that's 20 pounds over, I need to rethink my eating habits again. It is also further confirmation that weight loss and keeping it off is a constant battle. You can't let your guard down, and throw the scale out. We must stay strong, and keep bloody exercising. Blech.

But, this woman is a miracle worker, and now my pants and jackets are perfect, and look so professional, I can't even tell where she did her magic. And to put on fitting pants that aren't cavernous - fantastic feeling!

Shopping = Motivation

I hate shopping. I love grocery shopping (well, somewhat). But clothing shopping was always a chore. I used to choose whatever fits, whatever hides my ass, and is in red, black, white, green or gray. That's it. If I have to go shopping, I usually make sure to park right where I need to be, and get in and get out, as quickly as possible. And if I have other ladies with me, we must stop for lunch in between. Well, when is it ever not fun to stop for lunch? However, my body is changing in exciting ways, and I'm more amenable then I ever was to shopping.

I got a little inspiration from Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. I love this man. And although there's a part of me that says ohmygawd please calm down, it is just fashion, not the war in Iraq! I also take to heart the lessons I can learn about fitting. Like where shoulder seams are supposed to hit you (end of your shoulder), and that the crotch of your pants should hit your crotch. Amazing! Tim did a show with a woman named JeAnne who just lost 145 pounds. Wonderful! And I could so relate to her anxiety about revealing her undergarments, and to have your closet and choices (which is yourself, essentially) picked apart. But she gives me hope - and it gave good ideas of what to look for in a fit, a silhouette. I feel like I am really going to get there someday. Even if it takes me 7 years - I think I'll reach my goal weight.
So it is a new experience to learn what to look for and to appreciate my body now.

First, I'm down 3 sizes in pants. 3! I really need new jeans, and some work wear pants. But I have a really hard time spending the money - paying full price when I know I am going to shrink some more. So, I think I'll invest in some belts. And pore over the sales. But the thrill of looking in the dressing room mirror, and wanting to buy everything just to say - hey! Look at me! I have smaller pants!! Was a great feeling.

Wanted - D Cups. I used to have D cup breasts. As I discovered this weekend, I have become a C. Why is that? Why can't we hold on to those? However, I got 2 new bras that are so amazingly supportive, I now have the highest and cutest C Cups out there! And one of them is red. I don't think I've had a red bra in years, which is shameful. I love it! So even though I don't have the size I want, it was really cool to see the substantive change in clothing sizes.

It was a good feeling this weekend. And although I've been having an affair with Trader Joe's Cinnamon Cat cookies, I know that if I continue doing good work, I'll be in even smaller pants. It is so much easier to keep at it when you have some success.

Need

She is my constant companion, my eating partner, my other self. She smiles at me encouragingly when we pass the bagel and cream cheese platter in the break room. When I want some dark chocolate, we nudge each other and giggle. "Yes, let's!" she says. She nods sagely when I want a cheeseburger and fries saying, "Of course you need it. Today only." Sometimes we argue. I counter her advice with my reasoning. That actually, I don't need those things. I'm eating vegetables and fruit instead. When I am strong enough, she usually listens to me. And with pride I watch my portions, I plan meals and feel good. Then there is that one week of the month, when I'm in the shadow, and she's in the lead. She strides through the food court skillfully choosing the saltiest and most satisfying potato chips. At night she helps herself to the old portion size we used to take regularly. It still isn't enough. After dinner she opens and closes the cupboard and refrigerator doors in search of more, more and more. And I'm behind her silently willing her to stop, but feeling powerless, sometimes even justified. It's a period thing, it's unavoidable, it's only one week, and I'll go to the gym tomorrow excuses flutter around my brain while I'm searching for more to eat.

When we go clothes shopping, she is sheepish and embarrassed that she encouraged me all those times. And I remind myself that she isn't in control. I am. And the only way to smaller numbers on the scale is to eat healthfully. And keep my so called friend in the light, in perspective, not hidden away like a demon. I can only challenge her to stay with me on the long road ahead.