The Blind Spot Diaries: Part II - I still got it!

This was a long-time coming - and thanks to all for your kind inquiries about how the show went!

Stepping out on stage that opening weekend was exhilarating, terrifying and humbling all at once. My bundle of nerves tummy revealed itself in the form of bobbled lines, and being slow to pick up my cues. The perfectionist inside me found this unacceptable - and proceeded to put enormous amounts of pressure on me to be perfect. Once I stood in the wings and said to myself "You know it. Just do it." all of my lines came out just fine. I mostly did not want to be the actor that my fellow cast mates would not be comfortable being on stage with. I don't consider myself to be an unreliable actor.

This play was so unique and clever, that listening to where the audience found laughs and when they were moved, was half of the thrill. And discussing the script afterwards with friends, hearing what they liked or didn't, if they thought the lead girl was imagining it, or if it was real was delicious to partake in. I loved the high of performing, being so wired I could take on 30 day shred at 11 pm at night! Another thrill was that I had someone in the audience at nearly every single show. People who have known me for years and wanted to cheer me on, and new friends who were just as supportive. Many of my coworkers came and it was really fun to have them see me in my "real life". I'm not just the girl who can help you with your presentation, you know? And the post-mortem of the production, this little theater is so professional, they actually cared to hear how each of the artists' experience through the production was.

Overall, this was the best experience I could have ever hoped for. I finished the show with a sense of pride. Every single person in the cast I would work with again in a heartbeat. There was such a love fest when the show ended. Usually there is one asshole or person you don't care for at all - but not here! For someone not sure if she could ever be on stage again, this was a fantastic time. It stretched me as an actor, I think - it made me do stuff that was scary (singing! vulnerable character exercises!) and allowed me to play and have fun. The director said that I am going on her permanent list of actors to call upon, the Artistic Director wants me to join the company, and he asked me to audition for him in May. These are the highest compliments - I am so flattered to be received positively by them, when I was just trying to test myself.

I am so grateful that I was able to jump in when I did. 5 different worlds, 7 different costume changes, 2 songs, 5 characters, not enough rehearsal time and only one run before opening. I don't think I could have chosen a more challenging bus to jump on, but the ride was more than worthwhile.

The only negative? The time. As in no time to exercise. And I need it - as evidenced by my weigh in this week. I definitely want to reconsider the time commitment if I am going to audition again - it will have to be for something really wonderful, although Blind Spot is going to be hard to beat. But we only live once - may as well make it fun, yes?

The Blind Spot Diaries, Part I

Saturday marked my return to the fray of rehearsal. The show (Blind Spot) opens in eleven days. Eleven! It's very exciting and a little nerve wracking to be this close to having an audience. Up until now, this was just something sort of fun that was taking up all my free time, and it felt like my own personal project. Now I'm saying uh, Sara, you need to realize that we're going to have an audience, and that it matters how quickly you pick up my cues, and how well you're representing the playwrights' and director's vision, and this ain't just fun and games, baby. This whole experience has really affected me. I have not been writing about it here much, because it is hard to put into words. Essentially, I feel vulnerable and exposed, and pretty soon there will be a house full of people staring at me. So much of what these feelings are about are due to wondering if I can really pull off what I'm being asked to do. The characters I'm playing aren't the usual for me, normally I'm the comic relief. I love the feedback of making an audience laugh. Not hearing that in this show is killing me and makes me question what I'm doing. The director is so lovely, the kind of woman you want to sit with and hug and talk and share a bottle of wine with. But more than that, she's generous and kind, has wonderful vision about what this show is and communicates it clearly. At one point last month she must have smelled my fear or insecurity and looked me in the eyes and said to me "You need to realize that you are enough. You are enough." and she just about knocked me down. I'm taking that and putting it my pocket to hold on to as we get closer to opening. However, I'm the only one that can get myself to the point of feeling good about what I'm doing. I have one character (I'm playing 5 different women) that is really a challenge for me, and I'm struggling to get it just right. And time is running short to keep experimenting - I need to make some choices (Dare to suck!) and get to a place where I don't feel floundery. Just like when the scale ain't moving, you have to realize that only you can shake up your routine. In my heart, I know that I can play these parts and I know that it will be great fun and I know that I am lucky to be a part of a really creative show with really really talented people. I also need to remember that this director is so smart that she wouldn't have put me here if she didn't believe in me. Right? Right. So pipe down, negative self-talk, sheesh, we don't need you here.


I'm not putting this all out here to fish for compliments - I'm just recording some feelings. I too am a little disgusted by the insecurity - and hello, not helping me give a better performance. It feels good to purge this here - get rid of it and start working on feeling confident. Off I go!