Sicko

When left to my own devices, I will watch 3 episodes of What Not to Wear back to back, do lots of internet research projects, and catch up on all my blog reading. Inbetween this flurry of activity, I also will constantly wander back into the kitchen looking for something to eat. I can hear Diana's "voice" saying "It's not in there!" yet, I continue to look. All of this is thanks to a viscious cold. My husband has been sick for a week, with a racking cough and wheezy chest. I washed my hands, took my vitamins, exercised, slept and tried to only kiss him on the cheek. (Okay, I failed at that last one. ) Alas, my efforts were not enough, and the cold has claimed another victim. I'm home from work today.

I woke up with an appetite today. I'm avoiding dairy (dairy makes mucus, I think) and would give my kingdom for a cup of coffee with half and half! I'm focusing on tea, broth and fruit. But I am craving bread and beef like crazy. So I'll admit that I've just sent my house-boy husband out to fetch me a beef treat. It may be in the form of a hamburger. I may eat the whole thing without feeling guilty. I may not want to be honest with you, my blogging friends, but I must. In my web surfing, I read PastaQueen's recent post on binge eating. I love her honesty and her don't pity me attitude, which is how I am feeling now. I want something, so I'm going to eat it without feeling badly about it, and getting back on track after. Promise. It is also further evidence that just because you reach your goal weight does not mean you'll stop being addicted to foods. Damn! Ah well, today I'm letting the hamburger win. Tomorrow, I won't.

Pity? Party of One

Thanks to everyone for cheering my loss. Having that support is super kind.

For the first time since August 2006, I canceled on my workout buddy last minute, with the don't wannas. We meet every Saturday or Sunday at the gym and do a long workout, and then go get coffee, which is my favorite part, of course! I called her early this morning and told her I just couldn't do it. The problem? I've been in tears over not being able to chew.

Did I mention that I love to eat?

As promised, here's the whining. I am so cranky. I tried to eat a salad yesterday, and the chewing was really painful. I'm having 3/4 crowns put on 2 of my teeth and so I have 10 more days of this until they are ready to torture me again. It is embarrassing to me that I have wrecked two of my teeth, as I floss religiously. Even my dentist says he is shocked. I would floss every hour for the rest of my life to avoid this kind of pain again. The actual teeth they worked on aren't in pain, its just that sometimes hot and cold radiate through the temporary covering on my teeth and shoot into the nerves of the rest of my healthy teeth. And it is a throbbing pain for about 30 minutes after I eat, or if I take a deep breath while I'm outside and cold air gets in there. But I can't discern a pattern. Sometimes hot coffee is not a problem, sometimes it is. If I knew what to avoid to not be miserable, I'd do it. It just seems to be a crap shoot. So the thought of feeling like this for 10 more days is frightening to me. I have been prescribed heavy duty ibuprofen and vicodin (which I don't like to take) but I don't want to be dependent on them. And, they don't always help. Whine, whine, whine. The scary part for me is that I potentially could need a root canal and I figure I should find that out first before we attach something to my tooth that will just need to be ripped off again, yes? I'm working on getting appointments. There's the technical explanation, as boring as it sounds.

So, I tried to drink a milkshake last night (woo hoo - wild Friday night!) and it was excruciating. Am I exaggerating? No. So I cried to husband, and he is angry at my dentist, and wants to help and is very soothing, which is nice. It's nice to have someone to help you when you are a puddle of mess. And I also feel very silly, since it's just eating. I should be thankful that I am getting my health fixed and I should shut up about not being able to chew everything. There are people in this world who don't have dental care. And look at the weight I'll drop - which is nice but a very hollow victory. Still, I'm upset.

Tonight is my company office party. Which involves a buffet. Which involves chewing. I love social eating. So I am upset that I'll be walking into a minefield tonight - On my right, the prime rib - requires chewing - Look out, here comes Caesar salad - too crunchy! Duck! Here come the dinner rolls! As if being the biggest girl in the room doesn't give you enough scrutiny when you go through a buffet line - being the biggest girl with nothing on her plate makes me think people will look at me and say "Oh right, like she never eats." Am I being ridiculous? A little, I know. Can I control what people think of me? No. Do I really think people are going to be watching me that much? No, I know they won't. I'm just having my pity party. I asked Mr. Black if I could just drink a lot and then my mouth wouldn't hurt at all. So we have devised a solution. Upon arrival, I will order a whisky, neat. I will carry it around with me and dip my finger in it, and rub it on my gums like they used to do to teething babies. Classy, no? Mr. Black is so funny!

All of this made me think about how much weight (hah!) I put on eating. How much it is a part of me. Also, food is fuel, and it is a necessity as well as enjoyable, let's not forget that. My goal this weekend is to make a menu of foods that I will eat all week, to the best of my ability. Also, I will try to get in for second examinations for root canal problem. Like my Mom always said, you can only feel sorry for yourself for 2 days, after that, you have to take action.

I promise to post more positive and interesting things this week, when I'm not writhing in pain. Was that too dramatic? Sorry. Have a great week!