The Blind Spot Diaries: Part II - I still got it!

This was a long-time coming - and thanks to all for your kind inquiries about how the show went!

Stepping out on stage that opening weekend was exhilarating, terrifying and humbling all at once. My bundle of nerves tummy revealed itself in the form of bobbled lines, and being slow to pick up my cues. The perfectionist inside me found this unacceptable - and proceeded to put enormous amounts of pressure on me to be perfect. Once I stood in the wings and said to myself "You know it. Just do it." all of my lines came out just fine. I mostly did not want to be the actor that my fellow cast mates would not be comfortable being on stage with. I don't consider myself to be an unreliable actor.

This play was so unique and clever, that listening to where the audience found laughs and when they were moved, was half of the thrill. And discussing the script afterwards with friends, hearing what they liked or didn't, if they thought the lead girl was imagining it, or if it was real was delicious to partake in. I loved the high of performing, being so wired I could take on 30 day shred at 11 pm at night! Another thrill was that I had someone in the audience at nearly every single show. People who have known me for years and wanted to cheer me on, and new friends who were just as supportive. Many of my coworkers came and it was really fun to have them see me in my "real life". I'm not just the girl who can help you with your presentation, you know? And the post-mortem of the production, this little theater is so professional, they actually cared to hear how each of the artists' experience through the production was.

Overall, this was the best experience I could have ever hoped for. I finished the show with a sense of pride. Every single person in the cast I would work with again in a heartbeat. There was such a love fest when the show ended. Usually there is one asshole or person you don't care for at all - but not here! For someone not sure if she could ever be on stage again, this was a fantastic time. It stretched me as an actor, I think - it made me do stuff that was scary (singing! vulnerable character exercises!) and allowed me to play and have fun. The director said that I am going on her permanent list of actors to call upon, the Artistic Director wants me to join the company, and he asked me to audition for him in May. These are the highest compliments - I am so flattered to be received positively by them, when I was just trying to test myself.

I am so grateful that I was able to jump in when I did. 5 different worlds, 7 different costume changes, 2 songs, 5 characters, not enough rehearsal time and only one run before opening. I don't think I could have chosen a more challenging bus to jump on, but the ride was more than worthwhile.

The only negative? The time. As in no time to exercise. And I need it - as evidenced by my weigh in this week. I definitely want to reconsider the time commitment if I am going to audition again - it will have to be for something really wonderful, although Blind Spot is going to be hard to beat. But we only live once - may as well make it fun, yes?

HYC Check In

This morning I was greeted with 222.8 - that's a loss of 2.6 pounds! I am remembering the painfully hard exercise that I completed this week, and the fact that I ate carefully as well, to quash that voice in my head that says that there's no way I could have lost that much in one week, and it may have been a fluke that I was so high last week, etc. The effort is what's important - and I'm proud of what I accomplished this past week!

Ladies weekend was a wonderful respite, as always. We laughed and talked and visited the salon, and ate well and then talked and talked and talked some more. I am so blessed to know all of these fabulous women. They make me laugh and feel loved all at the same time.

On to a great week!

My Mr. Black

He is my heart, my home, my SupaHunk, my Pamplemousse, my Sexy Taxi Driver and friend. This complicated man, who loves super heroes and horror stories with the same verve as he does musical theater and Shakespeare, makes sure that I have fun, he helps me relax - encouraging me to appreciate all that we are blessed with in our life, so that I can stop trying to make it bigger, better and faster. He lets me be loud and obnoxious and lets me tell my stories over and over and over again to any new audience I find, without ever saying "This one again?". When I had surgery last year, he sat by my bed watching me sleep, refusing to leave until he was sure they brought me the fizzy water I asked for. Then tenderly took care of my wounds without being grossed out, as I would have been. I am endlessly surprised with how many secret dates and surprise gifts he plans for us, how many poems and songs he makes up on the spot that can crack me up. He puts up with my bossy lady ways, my gasping in the car when he's driving, and my need to cook grand meals and destroy the kitchen once a week. This man is so wicked smart, he beats my Mom at Trivial Pursuit every time we play, which is quite a feat and hilarious - she's a sore loser and he's a gentle winner - he is logical and makes a good sounding board for working out any crazy ideas I come up with. I can ask him anything about history, ancient Gods or movies and he'll know the answer and never ever laughs at me for not knowing. It's a blessing to live with someone who will stop what he's saying or interrupt me when I'm talking to say "You're pretty." all with this voice of wonder, like he just noticed, unprompted by me. After three years of marriage, we're still learning about each other, we're learning how to live together and support each other in ways that are different from just dating, and even though there have been tears, and eye rolling and the slamming of doors, we're still laughing together, making plans together and enjoying our life together. Happy Anniversary, my sweet bebe!

Reason # 87,547 why I love my husband

Poor Mr. Black. He is married to a klutz. Last night as I tried to put my arm around his neck, I clocked him IN THE EYEBALL with my heavy silver ring - that is about an inch wide. Oops. Then as we were wrestling with our furry football to give him some medication, I squirted it at just the right angle, so it ricocheted off of our dog's teeth, to splatter all over Mr. Black's face - and he was able to confirm that yes, it does taste like bananas. And then I laughed. And through it all, I was forgiven. Good man, bad wife.

hitting refresh

Today my quads are screaming at me. My biceps and maybe some other ceps or toids in my upper arms are also joining in the fray like when I exert my powerful strength to open a 10 ounce bottle of orange juice. I am fierce! My weekend was relaxing, but also challenging.

Last week I reached Thursday emotionally and physically drained. I'm really trying to not sound like an 80 year old woman who complains about her ailments, so I'll spare you the gory details. But I have to give a short summary: Exhibit A: searing pain shooting from one tooth up into my eye socket and ears, combined with chest and sinus congestion. I skipped all my work outs this week because most of the time I felt like punching someone, or was tired and coughing, and visiting doctors and dentists. (tooth is on the mend!) Then there were the emotional strains. Exhibit B: At the office - I'm flying solo again, (long story) and was asked to help confront/talk to/soothe another woman who has been really passive aggressive and not helping out much around the office. Super fun on a Friday afternoon! Exhibit C: The icing on the cake was the toll of an unemployed husband who was spending more time with his Xbox than I thought was healthy. Oh, I was a cranky butt.

So I escaped. Luckily I have a friend who lives on the Strait of Juan de Fuca, and I hadn't been out to her place in a long time. I called her and she was thrilled and said of course I could come visit. It was the perfect weekend to go. Our first decent weather in 180 days, temperatures in the city reaching over 80, so out on the water, it was perfect. Sunny, breezy and gorgeous. Walking on the beach, hiking on Cape Flattery, and talking about whatever I felt like (or didn't) was just rejuvenation I needed. But on to the screaming muscles, we also worked out. My friend and I marveled that we were the same women who met 16 years ago in college. In those days, we would eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting, (our mini-fridge freezers were too small, we HAD to, really!) and hide from our suite mate who would knock on our doors at 6 am for an aerobics class. But here we are, I go for a relaxing weekend away and we're both looking forward to exercise. I am so proud to be this kind of woman now.

My friend works in a small town and so there are a handful of her co-workers who pay one personal trainer to work out with them 5 days a week, so I got to join one of their workouts. On Saturday it was a series of strength training and cardio activities. I think my undoing were the "Mountain Climbers." Actually they should be called Miserable Activity That Will Hurt For 2 Days Later series. Here, you try! Feet, hip-width apart. Bend at the waist, putting your hands on the floor a few feet in front of you, so that you are in a ^ position. Now, move your legs like you're climbing a mountain. It is almost like running in place, you bring your foot up toward your hands, while bending your knee, then back in place, and bring your left up. When you've done both legs, that's one. We did 45 of those jobbies, and spent Sunday saying "Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow" when we tried to sit down. And then jump squats. Do you know how hard it is to do a squat and then jump at the end? Launching 225 pounds into the air ain't easy, baby. And then, The Plank. Oh this is not easy. Trying something new is a great way for me to challenge my body, and in this case, it also made me feel like all that work I had been doing in Pilates was for naught. The Plank is hard, my friends. Hard. But I did it! (for about 20 seconds, 3 times, but I did it!)

After our work out I was treated to a traditional native american sweat lodge. It was more like a garden shed sauna, but I was grateful to be invited. Just letting myself be, is hard for me. I always like to be active, but this was perfect. I listened while they talked about work, and focused on how my body was feeling, and meditated on things I want to change or work on, and thought about all the good things in my life. They told me that it would make my skin glow, and clear out toxins. Boy howdy, they were right. I returned home and my husband remarked that my skin looked "moisturized" even though he thought that wasn't the right word. It really was glowing, I think.

I also returned home to find that our yard which had been looking pretty Sanford & Son was mowed, weed-whacked and my tulips were blooming! And our bedroom that was also headed toward Sanford & Son territory was cleaned, sorted, dusted and vacuumed. I can see the carpet, I can fit my books on my nightstand, and can see the photos in frames. I took pictures, because, Wow. I don't think the Xbox even came on this weekend. Hubby said he thought if he was busy, the weekend would go by much faster and I would be home sooner. Awww, shucks. Perfect to come home to.

So there was my weekend - now I am back to work and although my tooth is still tender, and I still have a bit of a cough, I am emotionally rejuvenated. And that's the best part! Time to hunker down and work out those calories, get back to the gym and get to that 70 pound mark. I know I will get there.

HYC Check in

After a super indulgent weekend with 4 of my best friends, and battling TOM, I am thrilled to weigh in at 229.4 today. I only missed one workout this week due to conflict – so slowly I’m getting back to normal.

Did you know that when you’re shopping for your first annual “Christmas in February” weekend getaway, and you bring to the cashier 3 bars of Cadbury chocolate, 1 box of shortbread and a box of tampons, the cashier will remark “Are you having a sweet craving?”. Said cashier will also not believe you when you tell her it is to share amongst 5 women for 3 days. When you put 5 women in a beach house for the weekend, they will consume 3.5 loaves of artisan bread, 1.5 pounds of cheese, and 6 ounces of chocolate, laugh and talk until they are hoarse, walk on the beach, make meals together and celebrate their hunt for agates. We’ve never gone away for the weekend together before, but I insisted this year that we each take 2.5 days where we can just be by ourselves sans significant others, kids and obligations. It was glorious!

Now I’m back to reality – I’ve swapped my brie for oatmeal, fruit for chocolate. A weekend of indulgences is just what the doctor ordered, in my book. The difference between the old Sara and the new Sara is that now I know how to get back to plan, rather than just saying okay, eat better now, I know which foods and behaviors my body needs to save me from cheese retribution, and that feels so good to know. I feel in control and powerful. Raar!

Happy Palentine's Day!

Oh Valentine's Day. The hype, the horror, the fun. Hearts are my favorite symbol. Ever. When I was a little girl I figured out how to write the capital B of my last name, so that it looked like a heart tilted to the right. Posters of hearts adorned my walls, I drew them everywhere - I have about 735,000 pendants in that shape - and they get worn on a regular basis. I am a giant walking heart! Naturally, Valentine's day has always felt like my holiday. And I would be disappointed each year when I didn't have a valentine. Dumb.

And then I met Mr. Black. Romantic to the core, he actually asked me to be his valentine (we'd been dating since January), and burned me a CD complete with an illustrated sleeve, and published a valentine for me in the local newspaper. And of course, everything was given to me when I woke up, in a gesture so touching, as I drove to work listening to my mix tape of love songs chosen for me, I bawled. It was terrifying to receive sincere kindness and affection in a gigantic wave like that. I think after dating losers who didn't make me feel like the prettiest and best gal in the room, it was hard for me to accept that I deserved to be spoiled. The big girl in me was crying out to be loved, and when it happened, it was overwhelming.

As our relationship has continued, we have both resisted the big Hallmark sell. We don't buy flowers because what a waste of money this time of year! I get red roses for other reasons. And we don't have fancy and expensive romantic dinners- because I'd rather do that just because. We make each other a card, and do something we both enjoy. Usually we go to see a comedy show, but this year, we're going to see my new favorite gay boyfriend, Mika. And festive attire is requested. What the hell does that mean? We are going to be the oldest and straightest people there, and I won't care because "Big Girl (you are beautiful)" is the best work out and sing a long song I have heard in a long time. I'm going to shake my 230 pound butt like crazy and sing out loud and thank my lucky stars that I have Mr. Black to love. Not just today, but for always.

Leap of Faith

Oh me oh my, my hubby's decided to fly! (the Amazon.com coop, that is) He quit his job. This was terrifying to me. Visions of eating lentils and water just to ensure we can pay the mortgage and other bills closed around my lungs and made it difficult to breathe. Also there was that nasty woman Miss Communication (get it? Miscommunication!) who got in the middle and made me feel disregarded, while he felt rejected and trapped. Turns out that my husband and I are walking cliches. After spending 5.5 years together, you think I would be able to read between his lines. "I had a really bad day and there are no other positions available, and we have savings, so how do you feel?" means "I hate it there, I need to quit now. And I need your blessing." And none of this came out of the blue - it has been building for weeks. And he's been trying to hang on, hang in and lay low, but he couldn't take it anymore, despite his love of working at Amazon.

I wanted him to give more notice than he did, but in the end, all that would have meant were 2 more paychecks, a really miserable husband, and possible resentment ball building between the two of us. I prattled on to work out buddy and fabulous listener, Katie, and then rambled some more to my dear brother. He made an interesting point. He said that it means hubby is being proactive, believes in his talent and that he deserves something better out there. Doh! Why didn't I see that? My practical nature took over.

I feel 1,000 times better today than I did yesterday, and I am reminding myself that eating ain't gonna make him get hired somewhere any faster. Right? Right!

Also, thank goodness for his sense of humor - this morning we had this exchange.

Hubby: "I'll take you to work today since you have all that potluck stuff."

Me: "Really? Great!"

Hubby: "Yeah, Rick's opens at 8:30, and they have a breakfast buffet." (Rick's is a stripclub)

Hilarious! (And my husband doesn't go to strip clubs, so double the funny.)

The List

Oh Miss Krissie over at Questions for Dessert has an excellent point. Go read her post on positive self talk, don't just take my word for it. She challenges us all to write down positive fabulous wonderful things about ourselves. Today is a day when I have been having some negative thoughts too, and I have more to say about that, but this is better, for now. I can't wait to read everyone's list!

So here's mine.

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body?

I love my hair - it is pretty thick and not greying. I have pretty hands and I like my boobs, even though they are shrinking! UPDATE: It is now morning, and I am reminded of other things - I love that after 1.5 years of working out, I have a super strong quad muscle that I can feel when I flex. I also love that my coloring allows me to wear red lipstick, and that I have a very expressive face.

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?

When I returned to Pilates class this week and I could kind of do a push up. I haven't ever in my life been able to do a push up. And, I got my feet over my head - in Pilates class too, not in a sexy way! Oh, and the teacher used me to illustrate a move, and I did it well, despite being the biggest girl there who can't do everything. That was a great feeling.

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be?

When I had to confront a family member about their self-destructive behavior, and it worked, they got help. Close second - posting my weight on the internet. That takes courage, baby.

4. When did your self-control blow you away?

Actually, tonight. I'm on my period and craving carbs and fats in a bad way. I indulged today in a bagel and cream cheese, and chocolate, and then I just stopped. I wanted more and then I made myself stop and evaluate. I had to talk myself down - and I realized that it won't make my cramps any easier, and there will be other days to eat cheese and bread. Am I the only one who talks to themselves like this?

5. What is your proudest moment ever?

It is a tie. Getting married is an amazing feeling. But for a sense of personal accomplishment, I was second choice to play the role of Dorine (the wonderful saucy maid) in the play Tartuffe, and at the last minute, they fired the original actress and asked me to do it, I learned all my lines in 7 days, and got rave reviews in the newspaper. While I was also acting in the pre-show before Tartuffe. It was so much fun!

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?

Saturday night when I put on the too big dress and cinched it and my husband gave me beautiful compliments. And my coworkers told me I looked skinny and beautiful! Dancing with my hubby when I feel beautiful is a great pleasure of mine.

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals?

Because I am working so fucking hard for them. Because I have lived too long in the shadow of fat wondering what life would be like if I were thin. I'm finally ready to find out! And because I am more than a number on a scale, and I would love for more people to see that. And because I blame a lot of other people's behavior and interactions with me on my being fat, so I want to see what life is like on the other side. And because better health means a longer life.

Oh, Krissie- you're brilliant! Thanks, little lady!

Yes, Elton, I can feel the love

A giant sloppy kiss, super squeeze and a hearty thank you to everyone who has come by recently and consoled me over my super-size me gain. I feel so lucky to be in the blogosphere and part of the Healthy You Challenge 2008 with ya'll. I haven't made it around to everyone's blogs yet, but I promise to soon! *MWAH*

It IS a Wonderful Life!

Merry Merry and Happy New Year!! I’m back home, full of good food – too full, if you know what I mean. Spending the week eating and playing board games is my ideal vacation with the Momma, so I’m literally fat and happy. I’m back on the healthy path today – and so far my body hasn’t gone into shock since it hasn’t had bacon in 48 hours. I still get a little surprised that I can revert to my indulgent self so easily. My Mom loves to cook for us, and always makes sure there are snacks in the house, and I fall back into that routine of eating whenever. Cheese and crackers at 11:30 PM? Yes! Chocolate at 11:30 AM? Why not? Of course, I was aware of what I was doing, although my only redeeming efforts were walking the dog a little and making sure to get in two fruits in the morning. Sometimes I think that this lifestyle change will be like recovering from an addiction. Those tendencies to overeat will always be there, and it is up to me to not fulfill the desire by completing the action. I had hoped that that part of my brain would be turned off, but nope, it is still there, clanging for pork products and cheese. I am what I am!

Mr. Black surprised me with many lovely gifts, but the most touching to me was that he bought me 2 shirts and a pair of PJs. Now, Mr. Black is not your typical gift giver. He is always creative and romantic, and often goes with a theme of your hobbies or interests. I love this about him. I had hinted loudly how delighted I would be if he bought me a nightie. Nothing trashy, but something feminine. And it worked! He said that he wasn’t sure what size I am currently, since I had such a range of sizes in my closet. They are one size too large, but I love them. Just picturing him looking through my closet and then being watched by salesclerks, the effort he took to get these gifts to me was significant. And it was nice that he acknowledged my changing body and complemented it with new things! Also in the top 5 list, I got my stove top grill (cast-iron, so it will double as resistance training) and immersion blender that I was hoping for – so grilled marinated veggies and pureed soups are in our future.

Tonight we’ll be having our annual Craptastic White Elephant New Year’s Eve gift exchange. A bunch of friends come over, and bring the worst thing they can think of from their home. It’s gift wrapped, and then usual White Elephant rules apply. Truly horrific things come out – it is fantastic! I’m all about the funny so the more awful, the more funny, in my book. Last year, a bag-o-hair from a thrift store came out. Horrific and hilarious, I tell you. Luckily, the hair was thrown away, so it won't be reappearing this year. Who gives a bag of hair to a thrift store? And why did the thrift store put it out for purchase?

Did anyone else see the commercial with Valerie Bertinelli and how she is thrilled that this year will be the first year she wakes up on New Year's Day not thinking about her weight? That will be a wonderful day indeed. She got teary eyed and I did too. So happy New Year to you – I’m back in 2008 with goals and recipes and maybe even some resolutions.

merci

I’ve read that you cannot have room for anything else in your life until you are grateful for what you have. This makes sense to me. By sitting around lamenting what I don’t have, what is wrong with what I do have, and what is far too difficult for me to achieve, I will reinforce those feelings. They’ll become even more true than I currently think them to be. I think the same goes for positive thought.
So without further adieu, here is my current list of gratitude:

• My family who always take me in and give me love and support
• My girlfriends, the family I chose for myself, who shower me with love and support and who are always willing to circle the wagons when I cry SOS
• My job which allows me to be flexible with my schedule, pay a mortgage and has introduced me to a whole new crop of talented women and new friends
• My Dinger Dog who is the cutest, cuddliest, smartest and most annoyingly conniving pug on the planet
• My new circle of blog friends and community where I can ask for support
• My health which keeps me going and I take for granted in far too many ways
• My husband who has taught me many things
• Peppermint bark
• Cell phones
• The Internet
• Wine